Welcome everyone. We're about to begin by Sasham Shalom by Shire number 677. The book, The Ten Secrets to Passionate Marriage by coach Daniel Ratner. We're up to secret number six, an extremely important one that he entitles attention, affection, and appreciation. Applying these concepts on a daily basis is a game changer in your marriage. And if you feel they're not getting enough of that, you basically, you think along those lines of attention, affection, and appreciation, and you will see that with working on these three aspects of things, that's the most important, the pylidic, active way to lead to passionate, healthy, happy marriage. So let's first focus on attention. The idea is you have to make yourself available to your spouse a lot easier than websites are available to you, or a computer is available to you, or your cell phone is available to you. There needs to be a building of trust. The not paying attention to your spouse is a major, major cause of a lack of passion and a drifting apart in a marriage. We will get into secret number seven that talks about the listening aspects of it. Right? So attention and listening are connected to one another, which we'll talk about the listening aspects soon. But the idea is that when your spouse is talking to you and you answer, uh-huh, uh-huh, and you're looking at the phone, that's not paying attention to your spouse. Your phone can really interfere with the attention you need to give them. It's better to leave the phone at the front door, shut it down, not just on mute, shut it down when you see your spouse, than not to be tempted to answer a text or a phone call. And in the bedroom, it's very important, you know, when you're winding down and you're in the bedroom together. You know, besides with secular people, again, we're not going to get into it with Jewish culture to have a television in a house. It could be very, very problematic. You don't have one in your bedroom, even as a non-Jew, okay? Um, the bedroom, you be careful with the use of a phone. It really shouldn't be there. It should be an oasis for the two of you. And even if you both use it, you make a decision. When it hits 9 p.m., 9.30 p.m., whatever it is, you make a decision, you both shut it down. Without distractions so that you can be drawn to each other and work towards each other and communicate with each other in a healthy, normal way. You know, we, Baruch Hashem, have this bracha of Shabbos Kadesh, this 25-hour period or so. We disconnect from technology and we connect without distractions, no phones, no electronic devices, no job-related activities. And it could become a tremendous aynig at Shabbos. And we have to utilize the concept of Shabbos and to, as a Hashem, align it and bring a little bit of a mini Shabbos into each and every day. Part of it is when you're winding down at night to shut down the phone at a certain point and connect with one another. The idea is that, you know, it's so sad, Rapam talked about it a lot when he talked about Bahram and marriage to warn us about these things. You know, when you're dating, your whole purpose is to get to know each other on an emotional level, an intellectual level, a spiritual level. That's why dating for many is exciting. Everything's new. You want to be closer. You want to explore everything about your potential. Hassan Kala. And you paid a lot of attention to them. But now that the relationship is no longer new anymore. So how do you become attentive still to your spouse's needs and wants and desires and aspirations? And the problem may be is you don't understand what your spouse needs from you. You don't know how to give it to them or you may ignore them, right? When you were dating, your fiancé or the boy, whatever, they didn't give you a list of their emotional and physical needs before you got married. You know, you assumed, they'll know, they'll know. A wife doesn't expect the door corridor to be open for them anymore. If you did it during dating time, although sometimes it's cadi to do it. And you'd say to yourself now, I don't need to say to my wife, thank you. And she cooks dinner. She always does it anyway. I don't need to thank her. You know, just making that assumption. And that's a common mistake. And the idea of being opposite of that, of being proactive and being attentive is very, very important. So he has many gears to talk about attention with the needs of the husband, talking to the wives and then the needs of the wife, talking to the husband. So here we're talking first about the needs of the husband to the wife to understand in general, of course, that a man and men and women don't have the same needs. Very often when a man is tired, comes home from work or wherever else he was going in the long day. He needs to relax. He doesn't want to think too much. Here's where there's a huge discrepancy between men and women. Generally speaking, men do need attention. They need attention as well, but it's not the same attention as what a woman needs. Some men come home, go to the refrigerator, grab a beer, sit in the recline in front of a TV, watch sports, ESPN, you know, in the secular world. Others say hello to their family, hide in their bedroom or in the bathroom for 30 minutes. Or they sit in the couch. They may tell the spouse about the day, but it's just like that only happens the first five years of marriage, maybe. So he said a very humorous thing. This coach, Ratner, who's the author of this book about his parents' dynamic. His father used to come home every day at five o'clock p.m., spend an hour in the garden watering and weeding and picking vegetables. Then he would come in, take a nap on the floor next to his bed, which is interesting. Asked one of his siblings to wake him up when his mother's ready to call him down for dinner. And he didn't want to talk to anyone until dinner's ready. And then by dinner, then he'd start talking a little bit. So typically men don't feel the need to converse what they did all day long. They just want to be respected. It's very, very important. He quotes Lori Palatnik. She's an excellent mechaneches and the ace inspiring teacher. And she said something very important that men want love, but need respect. And women want respect, but need love. They both need have a desire for both. Both husband and wife have a desire for both respect and love. But the difference is, is that for men, respect from their wife can be more meaningful. And for women, love from their husbands is more important than meaningful. So for example, the one that Lori Palatnik gives that if a man comes home and tells his wife he respects her but doesn't love her, the marriage is basically over. But if he tells her he doesn't respect her, but he still loves her, then there's some spark. There's something that can still be worked on to stay together. And she taught women a trick that will help their husbands to know how much their wives respect them. It's a brilliant idea. And he says that if you take one idea out of this book, this idea is worth it. And Mrs. Palatnik told the wives, this is a healthy thing what you should do. It's what she said. I'm quoting what Mrs. Palatnik said. When a husband comes home from work and walks into the house, his wife should be talking on the phone, real or make believe. And when her husband can hear her clearly, she should say loudly to her friend, Susie, Rivka, whatever. I have to get off the phone right now. My husband just walked in and immediately hang up the phone. That's a game changer. It really, really works. Husband feels like a million dollars. This works better than if a wife would run over and hug and kiss him and how much he missed and loved him, which by the way rarely happens, unfortunately, except for the first few years of marriage or ever. It's once in a while, it is a healthy thing for a wife to do for her husband as well. You know, embrace him, hug him, kiss him, how much I love you, how much I

Good and air Shabbos everyone. We're about to begin as Hashem Shire number 164 We mentioned in the last year To trust your journey You know once you self-corrected everything that you needed to correct and regretted everything We all make wrong turns We all make mistakes in tzadik ba'aret tzashi yasatay valayachatah and Just because you made a wrong turn doesn't mean it won't bring you to the right place Ultimately, you'll you'll be in the right place where you're meant to be and That is the idea that we talked about so many times that Regret is healthy and unhealthy regrets and When you have unhealthy regrets, it'll trap you But if you use it in a healthy way, it'll propel you forward where that very Thing that you're correcting that negativity is transformed into positive energy another aspect of Working through things to build up the self-esteem in our lives is to overcome our fears as best as we could Because when our self-esteem suffers you you we usually give too much power to the fear and to the anxiety that we feel and Therefore it's important each one of us to get out of our comfort zones at least a certain extent Something that we're fearful of but we know that it's important for us to confront Instead of to avoid we have to work towards confronting that fear For example, if you're afraid of rejection But nevertheless, you know, it's important to have a conversation With someone that you wanted to meet or someone you wanted to get to know better or someone that you know that you could benefit from But you're shy or drawn or worried about rejection You do your best to initiate that conversation as best as you could and Regardless of whether you get a positive or negative reception whether they welcome a warm or they're not If your goal is to proactively work to overcome your fears, you will achieve that goal no matter what So that's one another aspect of overcoming our fears another one which we mentioned is That attitude of a gratitude journal of Appreciating all the good things in your life That'll help you stay positive because positivity But so I said that we quoted truck with the design good will keep you and bring you a long way Another lesson to learn this is especially important with a married couple husband to wife wife to husband or may not have a ray over all To perform and give acts of love to spread the joy of connection and kindness to others Doing somebody a favor Texting or writing to someone that you're thinking of them or what you admire about them The best gifts that you could give a person are usually not the things that necessarily you buy in a store It's the intangible gifts of love and kindness That people will remember for days later weeks later months later sometimes even years later that keeps them going That's a very important idea Another thing is is which is something that is hard for us if we're prone to have negative thoughts that robs us From our self-esteem. Yeah, it's a hard does this They're like tenants hanging in our brain That give us negativity and we have to they're not good tenants It's time to kick them out and replace them with healthy thoughts With healthy thoughts to get out of negative thinking now when you're feeling low about yourself You do your best to Snap like a rubber band try to move yourself and shift yourself into the positive right mindset One way of doing this is is that for everything that you see wrong in yourself Or in others think of something that is right People don't usually use this expression usually the expression that you Tell other people in the negative mode is what is wrong with you and when it's turned inward into self bashing it's what is wrong with me And people don't ask the reverse Instead of saying what is wrong with you ask yourself What is right with you What is wrong with me instead of saying that what is right with me What is right with me? That's why looking in the mirror people have difficulty looking at it because you see your perceived flaws When you switch to non-judgmental beginner's mind You see new things you see potential You see growth and you see greatness another aspect is very important is To manage stress and this takes a lot of work and I'm going to try to talk about this more Um one way is visualizing your guitar the way the guitar works Is if you tighten the strings too much they will snap But if you don't tighten them them enough they're not going to sound right So you tighten the strings just enough with the just the right amount of tension That will allow you to play beautiful music That's how you treat stress in your life like music to your ears. It's a balance You need some stress in our lives because we need to grow And we need a certain level of that anticipation of things that need to be done And that's important. That's like tightening the strings to get it functioning to make it beautiful But when it gets too much it snaps So we have to work out and recognize the balance in life the Rambam in general With some exceptions to the rule, but in general says take the middle road with everything in your life And that is the idea Of course, like we mentioned Before mistakes don't define you You're a good and beautiful person Even though you fall short many times mistakes are inevitable Beating yourself up about them is optional. It's your choice And the beating up of oneself or of others for mistakes It's counterproductive. It is negative and it creates harmful Feelings and emotions in yourself So the idea is Don't be defined by the mistakes that you made no matter what they were. That's not you That's not the true version of yourself Especially once you did everything you can to correct those mistakes You strive to be the best version of yourself Don't try to be a version of somebody else. That's a very important you said also Strive to be the best perversion of yourself And that's much better than being or trying to be the version of somebody else Whatever your capacity is You can go beyond that with your own kayak with what Hashem gave you So that's an important thing because this is helpful in the removal of unhealthy jealousy That we are jealous of other people in a negative way that eats at eats at us But when we realize we have everything we need and have a moona about that Hashem gives us everything we need and when we're lacking something It's not a matter of complaining about it to some somebody else Or or being resentful about it, but ask Hashem to fill that void Ask Hashem to fill whatever void be happy with what you have you have a right to ask more Wide in your mouth, and I will Fill it up for you. Hashem wants to give so you you have an address and the address is a code ish morahu Self-care is not selfish Schmartem is not she seikhem That's another idea. That's very very important You have to sometimes thank yourself Just like you thank others if you were Preservered even though you were tired and you learned in davin anyway You thank yourself you packed yourself on the back. You're grateful to Hashem for it Of course, it doesn't make you become arrogant the whole how great I am But it doesn't make you feel good to the extent that bar Hashem I'm getting there When you were not in the kindest moods and you were going to to somebody else Thank yourself for it if you developed some courage to go on after some adversity Or bump in the road Pack yourself on the back. Thank Hashem for it Let it go of someone close to you who's not healthy for you to pull away. Thank yourself for that You thank yourself for every healthy choice you make and you thank yourself for trying even In the face of mistakes that you may make or have made Part of that is to be at peace with yourself Relief just release yourself on the self doubt Trust your path that you have taken Davin talks of every day The comfort and the fact that you're doing your best you're trying your best You're making the best out of what comes your way That is the idea. You have t

Welcome everyone. We're about to begin as I have feedback and insights to share number 165 we're in Robert Torsky's book. I've got to get out of my way and we're going to talk about the self-consciousness that a person has that could create a tremendous amount of problems for a person having low self-esteem and and Situations such as that So he brings his follows Take a person who's paranoid now. He's not talking about something that someone that's a medical condition of Paranoid schizophrenia, you know, that's an extreme case where someone hears voices and Here's things in their head that there's this conspiracy to kill him, you know that extreme type of mental illness We're not talking about that We're talking about Things that are more common than that that many people have Which is a paranoid personality. What does a paranoid personality mean? That he has an uncomfortable feeling that people may be steering at him or people are picking on him And that he's always the center of attention in a negative way That is very very common. Many of us have a certain degree of a paranoid personality within us where we are Extremely self-conscious and that is the ego talking in a way. It's a guy, but in a very unusual form This is one thing that Robert Torsky brings in his other books and Sfern bring in their books where there's something that's a guy van arrogance. That's very Obvious you show off your boasting. You think you're great and you announce how great you are in different ways Mostly overtly sometimes subtly But then you have a guy for a type of Arrogance that comes in the form of a humility. So the charm sort of hints to it in his Proc and where he talks about another He goes further to say something of like a powerful line. The Zen misscoy about and venus suicide He is arrogant in his humility. He says he's so great that you know He doesn't need anything and he's humble that way. He's arrogant that way rather But this is something else here. It's when a person is extremely self-conscious and He feels he's lower than everybody or she feels she's inferior to everybody That means they're thinking a lot about themselves their own self image So it looks like that they're very much humble or even feeling very very low about themselves But their concentration on themselves is a certain really form of Gaiva and that's something very hard for most of us to to swallow, but that's the case So you have someone that's extremely self-conscious That he feels or she feels that they're the center of attention in a negative way But then you have the opposite also a person may feel that they're totally ignored. No one's noticing them No one's looking at her It's as if they don't he doesn't exist This too is a feeling of inferiority This too is psychologically unhealthy and again what's characterized by this a severe Self-consciousness any type of extreme self-consciousness means you're so Aware of yourself and thinking of yourself that you're the center of their attention or the reverse that everyone's ignoring you And you feel that in that way Is a certain hyper focus on oneself? Because a person who is in a good emotional healthy state Thinks well of himself or herself is not unlike is not likely to be concerned whether or not people are looking at them It makes no difference to them whether they know they are noticed or not noticed This is the famous you side. I remember Raph Tworsky again, he wrote an earlier book, which I don't have in front of me called let us make men and He mentions it there, too There's the famous you side with the spies the Miraglam that my sister sent and when they reported back To my show up a new it says we were like grasshoppers in their eyes the chain I knew be a name and so were we Grasshoppers in their eyes. They made an assumption That they looked like grasshopper hoppers in their eyes and one of them a farsome say that that was the problem They were influenced by what others thought of them or what they thought they thought of them So you see that's a problem on the other hand people with feelings of inferiority May do things to track the tension to themselves to make themselves more conspicuous And the more intense this feeling of inferiority is The more extreme this attention-getting mechanism is So this faring feeling of inferiority Which seems to be a nova or a low like shiftless a lowliness in the person is really a certain arrogance in a certain way So and Raph Tworsky again, I give him so much credit. I mean he wrote this book probably when he was in his 80s but he's acknowledging a lot of Normal human failures or or or struggles that he had to he understood and he remembered being a child He says having suffered from unwarranted feelings of inferiority since childhood I am well aware of the shtick I did to be noticed It's tremendous amount of self Analysis here and I'm sure at that at that at times. I made a fool of myself But better than that than being a nobody We all tend to do that sometimes when we feel a certain inferiority We want to be noticed and sometimes we act foolishly in order to be noticed However, people who are confident in their abilities to function to do whatever they are doing with their full attention with tasks at hand That's a healthy self-esteem People are unsure of themselves may be concerned about possibly making a mistake and what that would do to them and they are so preoccupied with themselves that they become distracted and distracted this distraction Diverts their full attention for what they are trying to do and That may bring about the very mistake that they fear making and this often occurs in perfectionists a person who is self-conscious and is worried about what would happen if they made a mistake may not be able to shake off their self-consciousness He Ratorsky gives a fascinating story here of a 19 year old college student that was doing poorly in his courses and It was surprising to him because he was an excellent school and student through high school Turns out that he came from a coal mining town everyone in his family worked in coal mines Most of the people began working in the mines at a young age Some hadn't finished high school some no one is in this extended family had gone to college and His father boasted that his son was the first one to go to college and his father made no secret of the sacrifice As a coal miner to put his son through college and it was all worth it because of the honor this young man will bring to his family So and this young man indeed felt that he was carrying the family honor on his shoulders So although he studied well, and he absorbed the material But his mind would become a total blank when he took the exams He could easily have passed exams if the only challenge was a good get a good grade But there was more writing on his performance Because he realized if he did not do well, he would be disappointing his father Who was sacrificing so much for his education and he would be letting the whole family down So what happened was is he He was capable and intelligent and had good grades He had the ability to have good grades He had ability to study Schoolastically in college and do great get a's and a pluses But because of the anxiety of letting his family down because of the load on his shoulders to carry the family name The anxiety over that paralyzed his thinking and that fear of the consequence of failing made him fail He froze and there was no way that he could shake off loose from that feeling That created a problem Men most of us we do the same thing. We do this when our pride isn't on stake We dread so much making a mistake that we interfere in the performance That precipitates that mistake that we may make This is something also that he describes as William Tell syndrome William Tell syndrome is based on a story of a person William Tell who was an expert archer and He had somehow Something went wrong with the king and the king ordered him to s

Passionate 7, one big lesson is to keep a distance from negative influences. As the Pasek says, vatiru eshikutsayim reskilu layhem, eitva even kesevizavashayimohem. You may see their abominable and repulsive idols of wood, stone, silver, which are with them. The Breskarov Ravitsak Zasalovechik said that a person may see idols and view them as abominations and feel repulsed and sickened by them, nevertheless the Tara tells you and warns us against being negatively influenced by them. Because everything you see makes an impression that even though at first you feel negatively about them, eventually you may be influenced to follow them. And therefore negative influences are very powerful and you must keep your distance. By the way, just agav, when it comes to shmirasayinayim, watching one's eyes, it's the same concept. There are many people that mitzad their own nefesh, their own soul and their madrego they are at, they would never ever indulge in certain unhealthy, you know, immoral types of things. But the Tara tells you, Lysasuru, that if you do end up seeing things that you shouldn't see and out of free will you continue to do so, that could bring you to a path that to get you to be involved in immoral things that you would have never have dreamed that you were capable of. And really in truth, it is really not something that you weren't capable of before. But Hashem is warning us that your straying after your eyes could cause this. Same thing over here. Avaydasara, especially in those days where there was a Yaitar Avaydasara, we don't comprehend it these days that much because that Yaitar Avaydasara was taken away from us, but the idea, concept remains the same, that even something that seems disgusting to us, there's no way I could do such an Avaydasara because I'm repulsed by it. But the bottom line is, is if you see it and you think about it and you're exposed to it when you shouldn't be exposed to it, it will wear on you to a point where it won't be as disgusting anymore till you fall down that path. So it's very important to keep a distance from negative influences. Another thing on the pretty much the opposite end of it is that when you utilize all your life situations for growth, you will experience Simcha. It says Vahaya, and Vahaya we know, we're going to talk about, Vahaya is a Russian of Simcha, the Rakhayim says that over here, but it says Vahaya will be. He avayu alecha kolad vorma eila, when all these things will come to you, habracha the blessings, vaklala and the curses. Ashe n'osat ilofan echa, that I placed before you, va she avayisa elavavacha and you'll take it to heart. So Jannisen Eibushet says here, in Tiferis Jannisen, that every life situation is a unique test for our character that we can utilize for growth or to cause us to go down the wrong path for new faults. If someone was blessed with a tremendous amount of wealth, financial success, on one hand he could use it because he could free his mind from things that distract his concentration and he could dive in better and he could learn better. If you are a financially in difficult situation, you could still be elevated by breaking one's arrogance and conceit. Then both poverty and wealth are beneficial in your relationship with Akodesh Baruchu and your relationship with your fellow man. On the other hand, wealth can cause someone to commit all kinds of avayris to remove yourself from Akodesh Baruchu and poverty, the same thing, could hold someone back from self-improving. So everything is dependent upon how a person utilizes or misutilizes both of this. Sai the wealth, Sai the pavadi, Sai the brahais and Sai the kalalais. You shall take it to heart means Akodesh Baruchu is telling you, take to your heart whether it's brahais, whether it's kalalais, that it's entirely up to you how you will respond to various life tests. Faras Yainas doesn't say this by favorit, but it's pretty clear that even if Halila, there's an opposite of brahah coming, but you use that opportunity to take it to heart, Vah She Vaisa A'lav Vahcha, once you have that Vah She Vaisa A'lav Vahcha, then Hashem turns that kalala into a brahah. Because now you're connecting to Akodesh Baruchu through that and then the brahah is manifest and the kalala goes away. It's a very important thing to know. So someone, let's say, is poor. He could ask Akodesh Baruchu for wealth and for Isha Vadaas and for financial security a million percent. And he should ask Akodesh Baruchu and do whatever established you need to do, a hundred percent. Halav Vah, everyone should have brahahs, bigashmias, embaruchnias, everything they need. But with that comes a Tvila for Akodesh Baruchu. Tell me that when I get these new gifts that you're going to give me, that I use it for self-improvement, I use it to connect to you, I use it to become a happier good person. Now when we learn this and we develop this and a person who lives with this attitude, they won't be thrown by life difficulties. He'll review everything in the lens of how am I going to learn from this, connect Akodesh Baruchu more and become a better person. So over here, going back to the Pasek, the Arechayim says on this Pasek, Vahaya, Vahaya means simcha. Vahaya, there's a simcha that whether it comes the brahah or the klala, as long as there's really a vah-sheh-vai-salav-av-ah, when we realize that everything is Akodesh Baruchu talking to you, then simcha is the right response. That is really Ahamtaka, a sweetening of any type of negative thing or seemingly negative thing comes from when you say, okay, I'm using this as an opportunity to connect Akodesh Baruchu by doing that and learning the lessons from it, then every klala becomes a brahah and turns into that actually. It's similar to how the bitter waters became sweet waters. So that's another big lesson in our parshah. Another lesson in our parshah, which is very well known, but we really need to ingrain it into ourselves, especially as Rosh Hashan and the Yaman-e-Ram are coming, a new year, is that when you make a deep connect commitment to change, that changes you even right away and it helps you ultimately get to the point where you want to be wherever you need to be in Avaitis Hashem. That is, kikorav eylecha hadovar mea'id b'eficha uvelvavcha laasay say. The matter is very close to you in your mouth and in your heart to do it. Rakhayim Shmulevitz comments on this, that the Torah tells us that regardless of how far away you are, if you sincerely try to become a better person, you automatically, even by that commitment alone, transform yourself. When you make a verbal commitment to Akodesh Baruch and to yourself to become a changed person, a better person, then those very words, as long as you're sincere, the very words put you in a different place than where you are before. Now, of course, that alone is not enough. You actually have to follow that by action and by actually changing, but the words you tell yourself still have a major influence on your behavior. We're not talking about someone who just says mouth lip service to something they're not planning on implementing. We're talking about someone who really, really wants to improve. Whatever area they want to improve. If they repeat themselves over and over again of how they're going to improve, you'll see practical changes. Your verbal and mental suggestions you make to yourself is kikorav eylecha hadovar mea'id is very close to you. Now once you make that decision, you'll be matzliyach as long as you don't give up that resolve. There are many people who make pledges and resolutions and make positive changes to make positive changes, but they don't carry it out. So there's a credibility gap. But to overcome that, one needs to have action and consistency. But the site of it, though, first is kikorav eylecha hadovar mea'id bifikol ovavchala. It's very close when you really have that sincere, deep commitment that comes a long way. And the last thing to talk abo

Parshis Vayelach, it's brought down, Vayelach Maisha, the evaneses says on that, that Maisha went out, that he went out before he died, he went to each Shavit and notified them that he was about to die, and that they should not be afraid, because he was leaving them with Yahishua, who would be a reliable leader to lead them into Erich Yisrael. And growth through Tyra, where Zala Pliskin brings down a, you see from here a tremendous lesson, that you could learn from Maisha Rabbeinu here, that whenever someone has a fear, you need to do everything you can, as Acha said, to alleviate those fears. Maisha knew that even if they felt fear, it was based on an error, because he knew Yahishua was a perfectly capable and devoted leader, and that people could trust him into bringing them into Erich Yisrael and guiding them in the right path. But nevertheless, fear is a very painful, difficult emotion, and therefore it's an act of Acha said, to help a person overcome it. That's why it's brought down its usur to be matel emigaserie, not to cause excessive fear, unnecessary fear, not to laugh at people that have these fears, or they're anxious, because when you mock them and deride them, that'll cause them more emotional pain. Instead, you become skilled in helping others remove themselves of their fears with a compassion, with an understanding, and that is a tremendous chesed. Another lesson you learn from this parasha is, is that when you're a manig, when Hashem appoints you with an achrayas to be a manig, or to be a rav, or to be a leader, or even in your own household to a certain level, you need to act from a position of strength, even though you're an onov, and it's not contradictory to one another. It's brought down the v'ikramayshel yashua, v'ayyayme'ilov, la'inayka yisrael, chazak v'ematz. M'ayshu called yashua, told to him, la'inayka yisrael, in front of all of k'la yisrael, chazak v'ematz, be strong, be powerful. Pasha pashat is that M'ayshu said this to yashua in public, be'inayka yisrael. The Meshach Chachma has a beautiful v'art here, that's not the v'art. He's saying v'ayyikramayshel yashua, M'ayshu told yashua, v'ayyayme'ilov, and this is part of M'ayshu's words, that la'inayka yisrael, when you're in front of the Jewish people, chazak v'ematz. That's how he touches it. M'ayshu told yashua that you need to be strong and powerful when you're in the presence of the people. Yashua was going to take over the leadership of the Jewish people, and a king is commanded not to become arrogant, right? He needs to be humble and un-of and imprivate, and melech has to be exceedingly humble. But at the same time, it's brought down that a melech sh'emachal al-kavayday, inkvayday machal, a king has no right to forego his honor. And M'ayshu abeynu, who is the un-of Mikal Adam, told yashua, his successor, that he should not be machnia himself. When he has a position of authority in Yisrael, he should not be machnia yourself. He should be as tough as iron, strong like a lion, for the benefit of his nation. You see, M'ayshu abeynu, people sometimes wonder why he was so strong. Don't listen to their fellows by qairach, fighting against them, very strong, which seems externally opposite his anava. And the answer is, is here, as a man of Yisrael, to defend the position of being representing the taira, there you externally have to be strong and defend the covet of An-Mistral and the covet of the taira. So anava, really, is the awareness of your small madrugah, connected the entire world, connected the greatness of Akodesh Baruchu. But even anava, in practical terms, has its time and its place. And when you're in a position of authority, you need to ensure that your commands are being followed. And the ideal is that a person needs to have humility when he has a personal relationship with someone else. Like you see in the case where M'ayshu didn't care whatsoever, that was a personal issue. And he had no akpada whatsoever. But as a manig, sometimes he talks sharply. Because in order to be a manig, you need to be strong, you need to have that strength. Because it is for the greater good, people are dependent upon him. And very often you're fine. We are people that are tremendous anavim, but they're put into a position where they become of authority. Well known, tremendously, his anivas was beyond comprehension of what an anav he was. Nevertheless, you know, you hear stories, you read stories of when he felt it was necessary to defend a psaak of his, to defend Kovar Atairah. He didn't budge. He was strong like a lion. Of Ram Yaqib Pamzei Khitsad de Kovar Acha. Same way, very mild mannered, anav Mikol Adam. But when it came to certain principles of Atairah, as a manig, people looked up to him. He didn't budge. He stayed strong. So this is a beautiful vart. And this applies also, even with the regular people, they are anavim, and they feel very humble, you know, humble. But if a Kalashberg who put them in a place of authority, whether at work, whether in an organization, whether even as a rabbi is Talmudim, you have to have a certain degree of a leadership over Talmudim, as much as anav that you actually are inside. And your Talmudim need to be maka that anivis too, and talking softly, and they'll realize you're an anav, but there'll certainly be times where as a rabbi, as a manig, whatever it is, each person according to their level, that they can't be mavatra on their cover in that sense because it's Kovar Atairah. They have to put themselves in that position to be strong in front of people that they're trying to influence. So that's a tremendous use side. Another tremendous use side of this week's pashah is the positive benefits of the mitzahakil on the children, as it's brought down, ha'anoshim, vahanoshim, vahatav, ought to be brought there. And the rashi brings down the gamarachagigadav, gammalavadalav, that the young children were brought in order to bring rewards to their parents. And the gamarachal is an Americanese type of precious jewel. The reason why it's such a precious jewel, because it teaches you a special lesson about educating the very young, that they have a tendency sometimes to make noise or disturb. And yet, there's a certain sheer, for example, by Mika McGill and other things when it's appropriate to bring in them to a shul in certain situations. But in certain situations, it's a mitzah to bring them regardless. But you have to, I guess, you need a shikiladas as how far they disturb other congregants. But the concept behind it, though, is that when you do bring the child to the base of medrish, just like there was a mitzahakil to bring everyone, even the taf, it has a major positive influence on the child for the rest of their, his life. And he gains from that experience, whether he remembers it consciously so that much, or whether he doesn't, and so on and so forth. So that's another beautiful lesson in this week's parasha. And no matter how young your children are, to be to bring them to a makim taira, and that good hashba has a rai shim on them, a tremendous rai shim on them, even if they're small children, that on a conscious level don't really comprehend that much yet. Another lesson from this week's parasha. It says that Hashem will get angry, and he'll leave, it will be a hester punim. But then it says, well, I'm a Bayoi mahu, he'll recognize that day, that haloi aki, aki ain alakabekir mi mitzuni haraisa eila. The reason why these things, these evils are happening is because Hashem is not with me. And the idea is behind this, is that when you know the reason of why a misfortune takes place, and you try to learn lessons from it, it helps much easier to cope with that tsara that a person is in. We always hope, and Mr. Hashem, we try, and Akalashpoha does this a lot, that even though something starts out as a tsara, saddakarish, hey, if you learn the lesson from it, and you can transform it, it brings tremendous tayeles, and the tsara could become

Welcome everyone, we are about to begin with Hashem HaVaz-e-Israel in Lushan Taif, Shia No. 5. What happens if you will suffer a financial loss from refraining from Lushan Hara? So speaking of Lushan Hara is not justified even if it will save you from a large financial loss. One is required to surrender even his entire fortune in order not to violate any negative commandment of Lushan Hara. So for example, Mr. Goldberg's boss wanted his employees to make derisive comments about his competitors. The more caustic the comment, the higher the employee rose in his employer's esteem. Mr. Goldberg was fired from his job because he refused to speak Lushan Hara. Mr. Goldberg's loss of income caused him and his family much suffering and hardship. Nevertheless, he would not have been allowed to act differently in the circumstances. This is a messiah's nefesh and you get tremendous Hara for doing this, but this is the halacha of what you're supposed to be doing. What happens when it's difficult to remain silent? If you find yourself in the company of people who are gossiping about others and you're not able to leave them, even though you feel uncomfortable being the only silent person present, you're nevertheless forbidden to speak Lushan Hara. No person likes to appear dull or unsociable. However, the consolation is in the reward for such silence, which is in direct proportion to the difficulty endured from Tsar Agra. Remember, it's better for a person to be considered a fool throughout his entire life by a man than to be considered wicked for even one moment in the eyes of a Qadish Baruch Hu. Concerning such situations, the following words of the Chazal definitely apply. Every second that one remains silent, he will remember the reward of a magnitude that is beyond the comprehension of even Malachim. So says the gruh in a letter that he wrote. Writing Lushan Hara, the transgression of Lushan Hara can be committed through speech or writing. The regulatory information in personal letters or in books or newspapers, circulars and wall posters, all of this constitute Lushan Hara. So here's an example, you're mailing a letter. Dear Sarah, since you have left, our friend Leia has been more spiteful than ever. Khan and Rachel are failing in many subjects. You can hardly blame them since teachers are doing very poor jobs and preparing the classes. Don't forget to write all the news from your side of the ocean, yours truly, Rivka. That's all Lushan Hara, that whole letter. So before mailing a letter, check it for Lushan Hara. Be very careful how you express yourself. A person who speaks against others is even worse than animals. The Pasek says by the first man, that he blew into man a living soul. Uncles defines Nefeshchaya, what is a living soul, which means a soul that can speak. So man, then, is elevated above all animals before Hashem because he has been given the ability to speak. However, this unique faculty of speech elevates man only when he uses it for worthy purposes. Someone who misuses his speech by speaking against others is considered lower than animals. Because a beast cannot destroy through talk, whereas man can kill with his tongue. This is what the Chafetz Chaim says in Shmeres HaLushan. Here's a story that a cat entered the house of Bikzadik and snatched some food from the table. One of the granddaughters chased the cat out of the house and even cursed for good measure. And Ramosha, the grandfather, scolded her strongly. And the granddaughter said, but the grandfather was only a cat. She says, yeah, he was only a cat, but in the process, you defiled your mouth. Another thing is in Shalambayi's aspects. A husband should overlook his wife's deficiencies to avoid math like this. That's why he was put to sleep. Other was put to sleep when Chav was created. That illustrates a way husband should relate to his wife. At times, a husband should act in his home as if he were asleep and unaware of his wife's shortcomings. Even if the wife forgets or disregards her husband's wishes at times, husband should not grow angry and shout. He should learn how to overlook minor faults in order to avoid these domestic quarrels. It's brought down that the chayz of the nublin once asked his wife to prepare his meal early so that he would have more time for the performance of a certain mitzvah. But unfortunately, the meal was ready even later than normal. The chayz of the nublin said, it would be natural for me to be angry at my wife. But I wished to eat early in order to gain time to do HaKadashmaru's Ratsain. Now, should I go against his will by becoming angry? Of course not. The true Ruyoliapriyan once said that a person is apt to delude himself into thinking that he has overcome his tendency to be angry. In reality, he may manage to remain calm only because no one else has provoked him. But the true test of a person's propensity towards anger is judged by his behavior in the circle of his own family, which will undoubtedly provide opportunities for anger. Which means basically like this, is that your true test of what a real person you are and what chay character you have is the way you conduct yourself at home towards your own wife, towards your own husband, towards your own children. Brach vatslacha.

Welcome everyone. We're about to begin by Hashem, Life Transforming Advice, Shear number 91. We talked about emotional intelligence in the last few shears and we're going to go back now to hate gateway to happiness talking about envy and about kina and to realize that you have what you need. To realize that Hashem provided you with exactly what you need to fulfill your unique goals in this life and therefore there's no reason whatsoever to envy what others have. In the last share we said that if you do feel a lack you turn straight to Hashem, he's the address and you talk to him and you explain if you're missing something you need a bigger apartment because it's getting cramped you need more panas so you talk to Hashem. The main thing is though in the moment right this moment where you don't have it while you're asking for it you train yourself to say right now in this matzah I have what I need and it's practice it's not easy work but it gives you a piece of mind and clarity and emunah and betahen but that doesn't contradict the fact that you have a right to ask for more Hashem wants you to turn to him and ask for more but never with the feeling of envy towards other people. D'melch D'melyo, volume one page 136 talks about it he says that one whose ambition is spiritual growth will see material possessions as a tool for that growth and the tools were given to him precisely for your need. He says that eyeglasses as an example eyeglasses contact lenses that are made for someone else are not suitable for you they'll ruin your eyes you need your own pair of glasses exactly suited for your prescription same thing with all the material tools that Taylor made for the person they are given. People have more wealth they need that tool less wealth they need that tool and again and even like I'm gonna say this even though it's not more than emunah d'melyo if you do feel a lack you say ha Hashem please give me more panasah so I could give more tsudaka so you have more peace of mind to learn tired more and do more of a decision more that's beautiful and you should ask for that nothing wrong with that it's even praiseworthy that you ask that at the same time you're asking at this moment when it's not yet being given Hashem I'm grateful for what I have but to be jealous of others absolutely not what they have if you would have it would be like putting on glasses with the wrong prescription that will only give you headaches and eye problems that's the way we look at it and not only that and not be envious of others but to actually feel good for the good fortune that others have. Duramban and Safer Vayikra Perek Yutess Pasik Yutkes says this everyone who loves others wishes them well in all areas wealth property honor knowledge wisdom still tends not to want others to equal him in those areas a human being wants to be above them but that's the message of the Tyra Vyahafta Laryacha Kamaycha love your fellow man and woman as yourself the terrorist teaching us the Ramban says not to have any feelings of envy that you should wish others to be successful without any limits this was the love that your highness and the son of Shol Hamalach had for David Hamalach he removed his feelings of envy from his heart Shol was king if Shol would remain king Joineson would have been king after him but nevertheless Joineson wished David to rule over Chal Yisrael even though Joineson himself like we said would have gotten Amalchus from his father Shol because when you truly love someone you're happy for his accomplishments and successes even when he is greater than you this is the Ramban in Vayikra Perek Yutes Pasek Yutkes look in there Dorabeni Joina in Perek Yavais Perek Mishnahay Perek Mishnahtazayan he says that when you sincerely love another person you will not only not feel envious to anyone anything that the person gets but you'll try everything you can to help him or her even though you yourself may lose out in the Saifah Abris famous well-known beautiful Saifah a lot of historical information other information Haflodikha Saifah Saifah Abris and he says that people tend to be envious and resentment towards others who are in their profession for example a tailor may be more likely to this like another tailor than a carpenter so the taris says Vahav Duryach a Kamaycha means even if he's like yourself meaning even if he's in the same profession which normally you would have some negative feelings there because of the competition you should overcome those potential negative feelings and fulfill your obligation to love him and the Saifah Khokhm al-Mussar I'm not sure whether this is from Raviso Salantar or from the Altif and Kelm I'm not sure but it says that it's normally it's natural to feel envy towards the good fortune of others but nevertheless despite that natural disposition the tari requires you not only to not have negative feelings over the attainments of others but you should actually feel happy for their good fortune it takes conscious effort to work on the feelings for others in a letter to young man Darychesko Darychesko Levenstein in his mehdavim says that a person is a success if he works on the trait of sincerely desiring other people's success it is easy to talk as if you wish someone success but inwardly you hope that the person fails in general you should know that without hard work and wisdom it's impossible to reach any good mehda and you'll remain with those natural tendencies which means listen carefully you cannot bash yourself for that inherent feeling of whether anger or in the case we're talking about now envy that you feel some type of pain when someone is succeeding and is better at you the initial emotion you don't say to yourself i'm a terrible person for failing that way you don't say that but what you have to do still is recognize that that's within you and work very very hard and davin and then work to uproot it and succeed in uprooting it and the Yisrael Shershavidah Chelik Aleph Perakzayin Ches says also derive Hanna pleasure from other people's success whether in spiritual matters whether in in physical matters and when you're able to do this not only won't you feel envy and kinnah you'll actually have a simcha and enjoyment from Salon Nasser's success you'll have tainek from it you'll have enjoyment from him you'll reach that level of a hafiz yisrael that's so strong that you will truly feel simcha sahayin when other person has it you tell yourself instead of telling yourself till now how awful it is that this person possesses this and this and that you do the reverse i'm happy for this person that he possesses this and that and the other thing another aspect to eradicate envy is amunah and betaheim accepting the will of Hashem Ramchaim Vital in Shahraq Dusha Perak Beyz Chelik Dalid of that Perak says in essence your envy is of someone when you feel that envy bepnimi is it's because you're complaining against Hashem you're upset at Hashem why are you giving that guy the good person the good things and instead of me why so it's a khisran in amunah Shanshafal Hirsh in Perak desayin and tell him says similarly he believes that Hashem's direct concern for him will accept with pleasure whatever place or situation he may have prepared for him as his Yerusha the rashes khahma in Sharanov Perak desayin says that when a person is envious of another person's beauty or physical strength or wealth it's showing a lack of acceptance of what Hashem decreed that he should have and when you recognize Hashem is just and is fear they did and is fear-minded it's sort of tamil paaleh he's perfect we won't be envious of another person now this is not always easy because your mind and your brain you see it's counter-contuitive because we see in our little lens of this world's injustices you know evil people succeeding righteous people suffering so we feel disillusioned by that we can't we have to learn to go beyond the surface and whatever our mind doesn't understa

Welcome, everyone. We're about to begin by Zashem Shalom Bayesh, year number 678. We're in this Ten Secrets to a Passionate Marriage by coach Daniel Radner. We're in the middle of secret number six, attention, affection and appreciation. And to just cap off on the attention aspects, there are three aspects to connect with your spouse. Pah, he calls it physical, intellectual or emotional. It would add spiritual as well. So the idea is, how are you feeling when you ask that question? It deals with your wife's heart. How is she feeling? Her emotional side, where she needs to connect with you the most. And when you ask what you did that day, that deals with the physical, what she did physically with her hands, legs, body. That's her physical side. That shows that you care about what her life is like when you aren't with her. You know, how are you physically doing? What are you physically doing? The third question is what's on your mind that deals with her brain and what she's thinking about could be her spiritual side to it. So those are the three aspects, the physical, the intellectual, the emotional. Generally speaking, although it could be in different women for different things, women thrive on the emotional connection which they create through their speaking and through their listening. That's why women very often are phoned for hours. Men also talk a lot on the phone but not as much because there, by women primarily, there are emotional connections that are very important to her that helps facilitate that passion in the relationship. So that's the very important thing. I'm going to just say a sobering thing that he brings in the book that the one number reason couples divorce is infidelity, which is a physical relationship with someone else, but usually infidelity is caused by a lack of emotional connection. So as a husband, your job is to stay emotionally connected to your wife. And again, we'll talk more about this detail in further secrets that we talk about. But the idea is that there's a physical part, an intellectual part, and an emotional part. Now there's some women that the intellectual is more important to them. They're wired more using their brain and logic. Then you have to connect with those women. Your wife is that type of personality. You connect that way. You have to understand your wife very well. Sometimes you have to get to the intellectual to get to the emotional. There's different ways of connecting that way. And ultimately, if you achieve that, the physical part will come easy. So yes, there's sometimes a physical part could jumpstart a marriage and put in the spark, and that's very important. But very often, if you work first on the emotional connection and intellectual connection, the physical will come easier after that. Now, emotional connection is generally more important for a wife than a husband. Both spouses do need it. Some men that are more emotional as well, and they need it even more, but some less so, and they need it a little less. But that's the idea. The idea also is just beteva. Beteva, a man, not making excuses for any type of infidelity or unfaithfulness on either side. But a married man who's unfaithful, generally speaking, it's because it was an easy opportunity that Taiva got the best of them. And it's generally not because they're looking for an emotional connection. It could sometimes happen, but generally speaking, that's not the case. By woman cheating, generally speaking, it's because she's looking for emotional support. So her need is more emotional than physical, and she's usually more emotionally connected to the person she's cheating with than the husband is connected to the woman that he's cheating with. The husband is more less likely to be emotionally attached to the woman he's cheating with. And therefore, it's easier to repair the marriage and stay emotionally connected with his wife and ultimately heal that physical relationship as well while when, by a woman, when she cheats, it's sometimes harder to repair the marriage. It's a generalization, what I'm saying. It's not always true. Very often, it's not true. There are exceptions. Every case is different. And we had some painful, some very painful shiurim that we gave on infidelity in the past. So I don't want to dwell on it too much. But one needs to realize that sexual infidelity is only one kind of infidelity. There's also emotional infidelity that could be just as bad or even worse. So that's a very important thing to really put guards on the emotional connection you have with someone on the opposite gender and not to place anyone's emotional needs above your own wife's or above your own husband's. Because if you do and try to feed on emotional connection with someone outside the marriage, you could break them on the marriage just as much as physical adultery could. So you need to be very, very important with this. It's important also to avoid friendships with the opposite sex. I'm quoting even from now a secular book. Gary Newman, the one who wrote the Five Love Languages, also wrote a book called Emotional Infidelity. And he talks about the importance of avoiding friendships with people of the opposite sex. And he writes as follows. If you find yourself quick to dismiss any of my recommendation because it's ridiculous or unrealistic or any other pejorative, ask yourself whether you're being defensive. Challenge yourself to pinpoint the reasons you find my advice so irritating. Could you be avoiding a deeper commitment to your husband or wife and looking for reasons to see connection elsewhere? And he continues. When you get a ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex, that's not your spouse. You're just chipping away at your marriage. It's dangerous to your marriage and not because it may lead to sex. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow, the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by the different points of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with the same ping of excitement you're looking for elsewhere. This is such an important thing. So even in situations in matzavim where it'll never lead to a physical relationship, it'll never lead to sexual infidelity, it'll never lead to sex, it'll never, you know, lead to anything like that. But then he needs to be a very important, you saydeistika commitment to really keep that energy and emotional connection to your spouse there. And the only way to do that is to really remove the concept of friendship from people with the opposite sex and opposite gender. And this is not easy for some people. It's an aside for some people. It's very important when you feel lonely to learn how to handle it and not react in the wrong way. You develop a deeper connection when you're lonely to God and work on staying more emotionally connected to your spouse as much as possible in that state of loneliness and not make the mistake of straying away. So that's very, very important, the attention aspect. We'll go quickly on the other two, affection and appreciation. Affection is not just a physical action. It's the way you talk. It's not just hugging and kissing and embracing and so on and so forth or sex. It's also the words you say. You know, if you yell and scream, that's not affection. Now you have to be careful being overly affection, getting over the top. It could be very annoying. You have to do it in a real, like when you're with people. You know, and you over blow it. You know, you have to understand the practical emotional intelligence of how to be affectionate and in what way and how to talk to your spouse the right way. But the idea of not raising your voice or yelling for some people is challenging. And then I used to it especially if

A good dinner, Shabbos everybody. We're about to begin by Sasham. Sheer number 166. One hard work aspect that we need to do in order to develop a healthy self-esteem is to break the habit of approval addiction. Mark Twain once said that a man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. We are often preoccupied with how we come across to others and if we are over critical of ourselves and have a hard time accepting and loving ourselves as we are right now then we would tend to look outward for the love and approval that we lack from within and that's really an impossible achievement. It will not happen. No amount of approval from others will replace the self-acceptance and the self-love that we need to have within ourselves. You'll never get enough. There'll always be a sense that you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop and worrying whether you'll be met with rejection or disapproval. That's why those who lack that self-love or the recognition that Hashem made you special the way you are and if we don't accept that we often develop different forms of social anxieties and placing too much emphasis on what others think of us. One person, Judith Belmont, her name is, wrote books on self-esteem, said that one young adult client of hers stuttered when he was anxious and even developed mild panic attacks when talking to others fearing that they would think that he sounded dumb or boring. He claimed like he felt like an approval addict needing a fix of approval from his fellow students or professors to feel okay with himself. In his case, as in many who suffer from social anxiety, low self-esteem, to complicate matters, his possession became very distorted and he actually perceived criticism and rejection even when there wasn't any. And on those days he felt even more secure just from a glance or a comment or an expression from someone and he twists it as a sign of disapproval. Just seeing a friend looking down at his phone while talking to him threw him into a self-esteem crisis. So you need to ask yourself that. Work through not being so dependent on or not being dependent at all on seeking approval from others in order to get your self-esteem up. It is important, halavai, we should all have this and there should be shuls that established this or rabbim that established this, that there should be a network of friendship. Not in the Yashivi years you have this sometimes, but close like-kind friends that are good people to connect with each other and develop a network to give chizik to each other. Someone once said that a friend is one who knows you as you are and understands where you have been and accepts what you have become and still gently allows you to grow. Now if you have low self-esteem you're more likely to distrust people since the foundation of trust in yourself is shaky and that'll make you more self-protective. Also often a fear of disapproval or ridicule or rejection or just not fitting in ends up making you feel more and more isolated. And to ward off that fear of rejection, to ward off that fear of disapproval you ironically end up being more self-critical and more critical of others which hardly really protects yourself. The key really is that you may protect yourself from your others but you're not protecting yourself from yourself. Meaning this protectiveness is a self-imposed isolation. So it's very important to work through with healthy people to have social support one another, to nurture each other, not just the women where it comes naturally, but even men in a healthy way to connect it. The healthy social connection of a havas chaveirim in the right way brings about a simcha. That's why in Hasidish cultures especially, let's say Lababach others they have something called a fabringen where they just get together part of it, if they do it the right way there's tyra, there is tyra, there is singing and there's also a discussion between each other in growth and so on and so forth. And that's a very healthy thing to do. Another thing that we can do is to treat others with a chesed, with a compassion. Someone once said, I think it was Plato, now he was a Greek philosopher but again you know a lot of their stuff was not good at all in Krum. This particular line, he said be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle and that's very true. Not always true because sometimes you are fighting a harder battle than the other person but basically the other person has their own peckle, they have their own burden and when you recognize that when you communicate with someone else that idea of trying to treat ourselves with kindness and self-compassion always includes extending that same sense of chesed and compassion to others being able to forgive others, having compassion for others even if they hurt you and of course if they're on purpose hurting you and they're abusive you protect yourself from them and the ones that were well meaning and just made a mistake by forgiving them, it releases you from the chain of bitterness and resentment it's not condoning bad behavior but you deserve better than just be chained to the negativity and bitterness by having other people have power over you and that's what you do when you hold on to resentment and the rightful resentment of someone hurting you, you're chained by it you could be of a right to protect yourself from harm from those people but don't be chained by it treating others with as much chesed as possible has great benefits if you have a chesed in kindness to others come I upon upon him it will reflect back on you chesed will be pouring on you you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar people are positive tend to attract positive people people are critical and negative and judgmental tend to push them away which leads to isolation and conflict-ridden relationships so it's very important to connect with love and acceptance and sometimes again the gift of forgiveness is basically you're given another chance to make a new beginning or you're giving someone else a chance to make a new beginning forgiving doesn't mean that they were right and you were wrong that's not what it means it's letting go of the chains of the past forgiveness is much more about you than about the other person your thoughts of the bitterness now are holding you back and when you forgive, believe, shalom it releases you from that bitterness what I'm talking about by now is very very hard I know that I know from my own life, I know from other people's lives it's not easy to forgive someone who really seriously hurt you again, we're not talking about when you have to protect yourself you know and you need to make those good arms strong we're talking about when you are protected already you're not going to be hurt by this person anymore and then what do you do with it? you let go and the holding onto negativity hurts us more than it hurts the person who hurt you the idea also is to develop bigger than yourself goals the more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself the more energy you'll actually have it's a paradox you're thinking about your own self growth, true but you think about what you need to do with the gifts you're given to serve Hashem with that's the broader picture and that actually brings you the most happiness when we are generous with our resources of time and money and caring and compassion we end up feeling better than those that have a self-focused mindset this is very interesting it's a study that research has shown it's not a matter of your IQ or your skill level in any particular area but it's about pursuing goals of common good beyond yourself in other words you think along the lines of what your shlikhus in the world is what does Hashem want from you in this world what does he want you to accomplish so to review the various concepts we learned in this book number one to break the habit of approval addiction you don't need someone else to determine your self-worth numbe

Welcome everyone. We're about to begin the Ez Hashem Shalom Ba'ez sheer number 679 and we're gonna talk about the seventh secret of To passionate marriage which is learning to listen. We said many times that as a sham I hope to do more research and she or him on healthy Listening it's a skill That all of us think we have but many think we have but we lack and We have to learn how to develop that skill That's so key in relationships between a husband and wife and children and all they know them the chavey Roy Concepts the world would be a better place If we learned how to listen the right way It's connected to the attention in the previous chapter True healthy attention Quality of any relationship is based on how well you listen to them And the quality of the relationship of a marriage is very key Dependently dependent upon how well you listen to your wife or your husband You know, you know when you date someone it's a he say I'm seeing someone really you should say I'm listening to someone When you see someone it's superficial. You see them. There's nothing new to see, you know, it is what it is But you can listen forever The emotional and intellectual and spiritual connection That you could develop by true listening is endless listening means you're part of the relationship It's the what they say in Yiddish the Shamiya these two types of hearing herring and their herring listening Just to the words themselves. We're listening in a deep level where you're really really registering and you're internalizing it By the way, it works whenever you learn different svaram You have two ways of doing it You could hear the external aspects of it or you could go deeper and understand this the Shama behind those words And that's what real listening is Listening to someone is how you capture their heart You need ears to capture the heart. It's interesting. I didn't realize this until this author put it here That if you put the shape of the two ears together, they form the shape of a heart In the middle of the English word heart is the word ear, which is interesting Ashkaha Pratis, even though English is not an intrinsic language, not like Rukha, Russian Kaidish But when these things come up, it's definitely Ashkaha Pratis and the word heart is the word ear What the word here for that matter the first three four words letters of it But we so when you're listening to your spouse What you're doing is you're making your heart available to them the center of your universe the idea of So many classes offered on how to do public speaking but very few on how to listen There are now books on it They're that are coming out on the the extreme crucial importance of listening You know, but the most marriage books that I've seen And what this author seen is just teaches you to be a better communicator with your words, which are important But it doesn't explain how to properly listen to your husband or wife And if you don't learn how to listen, you could be the most fluent speaker You're probably not communicating well Very often when you're having a discussion with your spouse or anyone else for that matter And you're speaking and you're arguing with them as an example And they're talking back and explaining things to you you're usually not listening to them Instead you're formulating a response in your head At the same time you're listening to them to say how am I going to respond back? And it's really not possible to fully fully listen if you're formulating a response in your brain So very often when you're in a Dialogue with another person You're busy thinking of a response on how to respond to what they're saying instead of actually listening to what they're saying Hearing and listening are two separate things Hearing goes into one ear out the other ear Listening is focusing is acknowledging is processing is understanding Trying to really truly figure out what the other person is trying to tell you The word listen also Ashkocha Pratis has the same letters as silent silent and listen Have the same letters in them just a different configuration In order to really listen You can't be simultaneously thinking about your response You need to stop what you're doing be silent pay attention. Don't form an opinion Later after processing it you form the opinion and then you could respond back You know, like I told you it's it's interesting. It's Ashkocha Pratis English is not an intrinsic language For example the word ox O and X doesn't is not the essence of a of an ox, but the word shahar in Hebrew Shin Vavreish is The shin and the Vavreish in that sequence is the essence of what an ox is Intrinsically to Russian kaitishes like that English is not like that Nevertheless when Ashkocha Pratis Places certain words that were to make it this way It's Ashkocha Pratis to teach us something to the fact that listen and silent is the same Letters tells you That to really listen you need to be truly silent to quiet yourself and your own emotions and thoughts and truly be there And listen to someone else not having your mind be elsewhere that happens a lot also You're listening, but your mind is floating all over the place So before you can argue or discuss a point you really need to listen to what they're saying And that takes focus That takes focus it requires processing A lot of times it's known in the lawyer language that the best courtroom attorneys Are able to state the opposing opinion first before stating their own And they do that a lot of times that shows the judge and jury that they understand both sides of the case That's why an attorney does this very often even though they're defending one side strongly They're getting paid to defend one side But it's very important for them to state both sides to show that you know, I'm not blind. I'm not You know hyper focused and and not understanding Both sides of things. So that's a very very important thing There are times when your spouse will not listen to you doesn't mean they won't eventually listen to you just means right now They don't want to listen. They may need to hear something first from someone else That's very important to decide also in marriage. You may not always be the right person To hear something out or to work something through So You know An example of this would be is let's say you heard a new restaurant is good and you want to go Let's try it out. Let's go out together to this restaurant. Your spouse doesn't want to go Thank you spouse hears a positive review on that restaurant from a friend one of her friends So now she's more likely to go Because they didn't hear it from you now a husband can't get insulted when that happens by the way It's normal. It's normally human nature both ways So you have to understand that also sometimes your spouse is not ready to listen to you on certain things and you have to be patient Eventually it'll happen But sometimes it's important that they need to hear it from somebody else By the way aga that's it. You said that if you uh A husband or wife, whatever they they want to convey a point to their husband or wife about something important They could daven for communication. Help me say it the right way that I should be in this scabble the right way And sometimes when you know that's not possible right now You ask a shem a shem, please put it in your mind or the mats of where a husband or wife will be as is I shouldn't be able to Get this idea in their mind So very often this happens a husband or wife both knows that if they really listen They will realize that a lot of times Uh husband really wants a certain thing to happen to convey to his wife Wife doesn't really want to accept it But nevertheless she hears a shear or she hears hears from a friend something Or she read it up and then it comes into her mind that way and then and then it works out it connects It goes both ways So that's the idea Sometimes when you speak to the spouse you have to quickly get to the point you're tryin

I'll go to Narasabas, everybody. We're about to begin. As Hashem shared in 167, and when 67-year-old Thomas Edison's inventions went up in smoke when his workplace was destroyed in a catastrophic fire, instead of triggering extreme stress and despair in him, Thomas Edison calmly asked his son to go get his mother so she could watch as she will never see anything like this as long as she lives, and the next day he said there is great value in disaster. All mistakes have burned up, and thank God we can start anew. That's a pretty high level. Steve Jobs in 2005, in his commencement speech, he sheared being kicked out of Apple, the company he founded was very humiliating for him, but also a chance to start anew. What would have been to most of us like a huge public failure and an embarrassment became then impetus to bounce back better than ever. I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, he said. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again. Less sure about everything, and it freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. If you look at the biography of Noych Weinberg, he with a few of his friends founded Arsameach a couple of years into it. There was a disagreement in philosophy between Noych and his colleagues, and it was in Tyra, and he was removed out of Arsameach, and he had to start from scratch, and then we see what Isha Tyra became. So these bounce backs after setbacks is something each one of us needs to learn in life. This ability to accept a major setback or even a tragic life-changing disaster is a kayak that is given which focuses that we can be happier and increase our sense of well-being no matter what. Even though at the time it's very gut-wrenching, it's devastating. People like what we just mentioned, from Edison and Jobs and Noych Weinberg at the time, to have the resiliency and the equanimity and the optimism to see the growth potential in these traumatic events. And instead of focusing on what they have lost, they focused on what was left, and they moved forward. Yeah, Martin Seligman, he shifted the study from mental illness into mental wellness, how individuals and communities can increase their emotional health and their well-being and their resiliency, rather than focusing on the negative cognitive distortions and their mental disturbances. The positive aspects teach us how to thrive and to grow personally and socially and spiritually. It's about the solutions, not the problems. Problems you look at as opportunities. And the idea is to avoid the negative explanatory style that we have within ourselves, which is the tendency to think in pessimistic ways. A positive explanatory style are those that are more optimistic and positive in their thinking. Now, when you have the negative explanatory style, which means that everything goes wrong, you explain in a negative way, that leads to what they call learned helplessness and depression. They'll interpret setbacks as being permanent instead of temporary. They'll look at temporary setbacks as being a global problem instead of just a specific problem. If they're pessimistic in that sense, they believe their personal flaws are unchangeable. Where the reality is, is that it's not unchangeable at all. It could be transformed. So these sort of global statements, things never work out for me or I'll never meet anyone that will want to marry me or I am unlikeable. That's the negative outlook. The positive is someone who learns to be optimistic and resilient and to work through things and I can improve things and get better. So the negative explanatory style would be, for example, to say no one likes me and I'm simply unlikeable while the positive explanatory style would be it's harder for me to meet people. And in this particular instance is no one I was able to click with. A negative view is I'll never meet anyone and I will spend my life alone. And the positive style is I haven't found the right person yet. Mr. Shemashem will help me find it. Hashem could do anything and he's watching me and protecting me and I can't predict the future. But there's no reason why I can't expect Hashem will be mazmin me, my zivik. Or to ask instead of saying just a point blanket statement things won't work out for me. You say no, you look back, I was successful in this, I was successful in school, I was successful in other things and I will never stop trying. And as Shemashem I will succeed. Gratitude is a big part of this. It's one of the most important ingredients to have and to achieve an optimistic life, a resilient life. And people who are grateful tend to be forgiving and loving and hopeful. Elie Wiesel once said that when a person doesn't have gratitude something is missing in his or her humanity. Of course it's easier to be grateful when things are going well in our lives. But it's much harder to be grateful when life throws you these curveballs and you find yourself losing more than winning and you can't seem to get over past regrets or past disappointments. And so therefore great gratefulness is an avayda for those people. It takes effort but we have to dig deeper than ourselves. For some akharasatai comes naturally. For others it takes more effort but we have to push ourselves. We have to learn to become grateful people, to recognize you don't have a rainbow without rain. You change what you can and accept what you can't change without railing against lives and justices. Not to look at what's missing in life but focus on the gifts that we are being given day in and day out. Thank you Hashem for everything that I have for my ability to eat, for my ability to breathe. Don't say I'll be happy only when this place, this takes place or when that takes place. Don't say that I'll be happy only when this problem goes away. Hashem gives you the opportunity. Today is the day. Gratitude means you spend very little time or no time comparing yourself to other people, which would leave you bitter, which will leave you jealous, which will leave you resentful. There's no need for that. Hashem gives everyone what they need and what's given to them doesn't necessarily mean that it's being taken away from me. It's a very important insight. It's not always the people who start out the smartest, wins up the smartest. The idea is not whether you're the most rich or the most successful in business or whatever your view of success is in that way, but the main deterrent of happiness and life satisfaction is the growth mindset, not the fixed mindset, that your ability to change. If you have a fixed mindset, then your natural intelligence and past achievements are what's important and nothing else. And if you lack that, that's it, but it's not true. Work and effort, pray your Hashem, that's the key of life. If you're at a fixed mindset, you believe that your abilities are fixed and they're not changeable. If you're at a growth mindset, you believe that abilities are to be altered, can be changed, should be changed. Some say that if you determined, that matters very little. It's your ability that counts, whether you have it or you don't. Not true. Determination can pay off and very often does pay off. As I call it, you work hard, you will get what you need. To appreciate the importance of persistence and effort, to achieve goals, and the goal is not to appear smart externally, the goal is to grow internally and then externally. You focus on the process of learning, that results to be open-minded, to be flexible, to be open for feedback, to persevere after failure, to persevere after failure. All of this gives us a healthy mindset. We need to live an emotionally resilient life, emotional wellness we need to daven for, working on eating healthier, exercising healthier, the same as I am. Emotional wellness and self-esteem go hand in hand. The more you like yourself, the more emotionally

Part of Zazino there's a famous story about the Ramban and his Talmud. He had a Talmud of Avner He became a Meshumid. He ate, I believe, chazar, onion kippur in front of the Ramban caused him a tremendous amount of halish, shusadas But Avner asked him a question. He said that you mentioned that every Yid's history from the beginning of the Brea till the end of Days is mentioned and is hidden in the Shireh Zazino. Where am I hinted in the Shireh Zazino? And the Ramban Davened and asked for Siyah to the Shmai Hashem to reveal it to him and it was revealed to him and the Ramban told Avner That your name is Merumiz in this pussik. It says, omarti afayem. I said I will destroy them Ashbisa me enoy zikhrum. I will wipe them out from mankind their their remembrance and the Ramban says if you look at the third letter of each word afayem ashbisa me enoy zikhrum is the Rashatavis there of Avner and it says there that you will be destroyed and you will be lost and He said though because the first word of the pussik omarti The the third letter there is a raish is Rav, Reb Avner. It stands for Reb Avner That if you do chuva, you'll become a Reb. You'll become a Rebi and You could do chuva and he was the sire from this And he said what should be my tickin and he says your tickin is to follow what the pussik is saying The pussik is saying in a negative way that you should be wiped out from remembrance you need to go down from your whatever positions you have and remove yourself from it and become very invisible and butthole In your reputation and that's how you'll do chuva some say that he took a boat and just Drifted off and no one knows what happened to him. But basically he was nifter in doing chuva He was Makhsaba chuva Now of Maisha Wolfson's as Al-Ghazan said set a beautiful Hara on this story Says it's very interesting that you see the majority most of the Ramazan in Tyra That discusses, you know that has hints of people's names or Concepts in letters and words in the Tyra. It's usually either the Russia Tevis the first letter of each word Or like you see or Russia Tevis or or safer Tevis rather or or the end letters of a word Like in the McGillis sometimes you have you'd cave of K in the in the at the end of the letters But you know backwards or forwards and then the front also where there's doesn't say the favorite Hashem's name, but it's hidden there and it's hidden there very often in Russia Tevis and Safeh Tevis the beginning letter or the end letter it is not so common To have the Ramazan in middle of a letter like over here when the Ramban Hinted it from a Marty as a FAM as we cement a zikram that Avner's name was listed there in the middle of the of the of the words So he says it's a beautiful shot that yeaten Have a racist they have a beginning they always have a beginning a source where they come from the Nishama's Kudash That's created by a Kudash Baruchu. So they have that holy beginning source. That's pure free of sin and holy And they also have an Achris. They have it safe Tevis. They have an end that is Nitzrius their eternal Ticken and lost at Lava is that they are Nitzrius and they're gonna last forever in their impurefied state Just in the middle between the racists and the Achris during the 6000 years in the middle Because Hashem gave us beheera Then we have the tendency sometimes to fall and we need to do chuva on it So that's what is Marum is here that even Avner the negative aspects of Avner that the Ramban hinted there That from the pussik omarty affeya may ashbisa miyener zikhram that his memory will be wiped away For which first of all even then he used that to do chuva But the negative aspect of being wiped away is brought down a remes in Avner only from the middle of the letter of the words To teach you Avner in the middle messed up in the Hanami in the middle and size of the Teva But his Russia Tevis and the Saifah Tevis of every Yid is Qaday Shvitaher is always holy and Why because they are from a holy source and every Yid will have its ultimate Ticken every Yid will be haizel the chuva whether in this gilgul or in another gilgul but safe safe the Yid will come back and The Saifah and they go back to their source not Saifah but Chilasan They're nitriyes forever because their source they come from Avram Yitzik and Yaqeev then Nishmas Yisrael So that is one word from the parasha another one is not necessarily a word from the parasha by sword in in the Saifah Torah Torah tavelin Chyim Shnulev it's a word basically on I guess people were demonstrating and even though you know There is an Indian of Kanai at times but very often the behavior comes in a way We're not only they're not my ira to do better, but they get worse from it, and it's not healthy So he said of arts over here, and he said that when Rufkets brought down when Rufka was Mubares when she was Pregnant with Asav and Yaqeev and in the womb and when she went by a base of a Dzerah Asav pushed out in order to go out to it and the question is why didn't Yaqeev kick his mother then? when when She went by the base of a Dzerah Yaqeev should have kicked his mother at a protest What are you walking by a base of a Dzerah for and he answered because a Bentayra doesn't waste time on energy That like like useless demonstrations, so that's what he said at the time Then there's a vart also brought down there from the minkatse rebe the Gabba the Petira of Mysha and Aharen it's brought down in this week's parasha Umus Bahari is saying that that Mysha will pass away on the mountain and they also follow mecha and and you'll you'll get be gathered to your people and Kasha makes a Haran in a Sefta al-Alamav like a Haran died and was gathered to his people and And the munkatse rebe says a beautiful remes here that a Haran was nifter on Raishchaydesh of a Raishchaydesh of the day that Raishchaydesh of falls out is the day of A Haran Akhain's Ushbezin, which is the fifth day of Sukkis. According to that reason the The Ushbezin works Avraham, then Yitzuk, then Yaqeev, then Mysha, then a Haran, then Ya'i Seif And then David so Ya'i Seif is sixth even though chronologically He was earlier because based on the Midais as that Rizal explains so in this order of that Rizal A Haran is the fifth day of Sukkis Ushbezin So the day that Raishchaydesh falls is the day of Raishchaydesh of the day of his yard site Is the same day that his Ushbezin falls on the fifth day of Sukkis Similarly Mysha Rabbeinu. Mysha Rabbeinu was nifter on Zion other and the day whatever the day that Zion other falls on Is the same day that the his Ushbezin falls on which is the fourth day of Sukkis And that's Marumiz in this week's parshah It says a Musbahar that Mysha Rabbeinu will be nifter on the mountain the Ha'i Ushseif al-Ammav Alamecha and Parshabshat means that he will be nifter But the Ha'i Ushseif is also a lotion of Ha'i Ha'i Ushseif That'll be get that which that's what the Sukkis is called So that's a Remiz that when he'll be nifter it'll be the same day as when his Ushbezin on Sukkis is and Similarly Kasha Mesa Haran just like a Haran was nifter on Raishchaydesh of the Anasafta al-Ammav And also on the on the Chaga Ushseif on the Anasafta will also be a Remiz that the same day That a Haran was nifter Raishchaydesh of will be the same day of his Ushbezin the fifth day of Sukkis Shabbos Hazinu usually falls out on on Shabbos Chuva It's a very very special time Sometimes it's right after you in Kippur right after you in Kippur preparing for Sukkis and And it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a special time And it's and everyone should be Nisamik as much as possible in Parshis Hazinu especially in the Shiras Hazinu. You had the Pasha Kikki Sheva Shem Ekra Gohavu Gohglalakaynu where you learn Adaremis for Bechis Hatayra And so many beautiful beautiful Remoz and the Rashi's are very long and elaborate and beautiful and it's good I to learn it and And and you know very often with some people they tell me you know with Chumish

Welcome, everyone. We're about to begin with the Shema of Israel, in L'Oshun Tawif, here, number six. To pass around the letter to belittle its writer, you're forbidden to show someone's letter to others in order to belittle the writer. Even if you don't make any comment, if the reader will get the impression that the writer is lacking the general intelligence or entire knowledge, this constitutes L'Oshun Hara by innuendo and allusion. So, for example, Mordechai received the letter from Chaim full of misquoted, tamudic statements or faulty logic or spelling errors. He is forbidden to pass around the letter with the intention of ridiculing Chaim. This, by the way, also an aspect of privacy, which it doesn't discuss right at this moment, but it's assumed that if you write a letter personally to another friend, that it's meant to be private unless they give you explicit permission to share it. So, the actual sharing of even a good letter, an innocent letter or a positive letter may be problematic because you may be sharing information that's private that the person does not want you to share because it was written to you and not to anyone else. But certainly, absolutely certainly, there's an additional sin by showing this letter that it would be misquoted stuff and everything like that, those spelling errors or other things to make fun of the person that wrote the letter. You're not allowed to convey Lushan Hara through hints and sign language, through finger motions or facial expressions. So, for example, Mr. Weiss is a considered feller and then say sure he is in a sarcastic tone. That's a hint through a tone of voice. Joe is very honest and then you cough, you know, like that that is showing that he's not so. Sara's clean screen is extremely clever and you wink your eye. So, you didn't say anything bad. You actually said something good. Joe was honest. Sara's clever. But that does not alter the fact that you are conveyed in a derogatory message in a negative way and that is Lushan Hara. It's also Lushan Hara when you include yourself. You add yourself when you disparage others does not take away the iser of Lushan Hara. This includes instances when you mention that you and a friend both did the exact same action and have the same fault. And you begin by talking about yourself. So, for example, Ben and I both shoplifted when we were younger. The fact that you added I does not take away that you said Lushan Hara on Ben. That's us sir. No one in our group studies Terrier properly. You're including yourself, but you're disparaging the whole group. That's Lushan Hara. I didn't give enough charity, but neither does Mr. Stern. So, that neither does Mr. Stern obviously is Lushan Hara. So, the fact that you include yourself in the package does not take it away from being Lushan Hara itself. So, that's a very important aside to know. Now, a husband and wife are required to mutually honor and respect each other. It says, Al-Khinyazah ish is of this. The Ramban explains that the concept of one flesh is uniquely human. The mating of animals is temporary, purely physical. You know, even those that are like doves or penguins, they may be loyal, but it's a physical thing. But with marriage by human beings, your husband and wife become the closest of relatives. You need to honor your wife more than yourself. Lover as yourself, increase your spending on her wealth here, in proportion to your wealth, not to place excessive fear on her, to be pleasant with her, to need to be sad or quick to anger, and the wife to honor the husband exceedingly, to give him honor, to be in her eyes like a prince. Ahayesh Mulevitz used to say that if a husband will try to fulfill his obligations and the wife will try to fulfill her obligations, if they both try to do that, they will both live happy and tranquil life together. Trouble begins when the husband is the only one concerned, that the wife meets her obligations to him, and the wife is only concerned that the husband meets his obligations to her. That's where problems start. Let me tell you something, there are quite some quotes in Medrish that says that to serve your husband as if he were a king, and if you will act towards him like a maid, then he will act as if he were your servant. So, if you try to dominate him though, he'll be your master, and you will be in his eyes like a maid servant. So you have to treat each other with the utmost respect, that's the bottom line. To always make each other happy, to always give. Rabbi Agulavine used to deliver sermons in Yushalayim, and the wife of a member of the Shul once came to him with a complaint that the husband wasn't treating her properly, and she asked him to devote the entire sermon so that the husband would behave properly towards his wife. But be careful, don't mention the name. So in the sermon, Rabbi Agulavine spoke about the husband's obligation to honor and respect his wife. Now, this is Alma Melzer, the Russian Sheva Eitzheim, his big tzadik. He was in the Shul and listened to every word. And he was the biggest Talmud Hacham, he was a big on-off and a tzadik, and after the lecture he approached Rabbi Agulavine and thanked him, I know you are directing your remarks at me, you are right, I must treat my wife with more respect. Obviously it wasn't him, but he felt it was him. So that is the idea. The idea is, Soslanta also told us, tell me them doing chesed to help your wife in the house. That is the biggest chesed here that you can do. The student of the Renaissance, Finko, once asked him if he helped his wife in honor, you know, before Shabbos, and he replied that he did and added that he appreciates the importance of honoring Shabbos. That even Big Talmud Hacham did menial tasks to prepare for Shabbos, but instead of praising him, Finko admonished him for that attitude. It's a terror commandment to aid someone who needs assistance. This applies even to a total stranger, all the more to one's own life. And Friday afternoon, women are usually tired, so it's a very great chesed to assist them. So that's an important thing, to make sure to help your wife as best as possible. And Ravicek Blauser, who was a Talmud of Raviso Soslanta, used to say that a man should treat his wife as respectfully as if he would treat a stranger. Just as a person should be careful to be polite to strangers, so to a husband should be polite to his wife. Very often we forget that. We treat the ones closest to us worse than we treat everyone else. And usually it's our own husband, it's our own wife, and we need to reverse that trend as best as we could and to treat our wives with the proper respect that they deserve, and to honor them and to cherish them. Brach vat vah.

If this is Parshah, Parshah Zazinu, it says that you shouldn't became fat and rebelled. This Pusik is clearly saying that very often a source of Klayi's whole rebellion comes from prosperity that we don't have that capacity sometimes to have that strong spiritual balance when we're showered goodness upon ourselves. And in those situations a wealth could become khalidla, a curse rather than a blessing. However it's not so simple. That's really not Akodesh Barkh's kavana. He wants to be made to us. He wants to show our goodness upon us. And even the Tupsokin before this one, the Tara tells us that when he talks about will be blessed with a lot of Gashmias and Vayakimus, Vayakivin Bamosi Yabrits, and Vayakol Tnuvasada, he'll cause them to ride on the heights of the land and eat the right fruits of the fields. And here it's Abrahah saying Klayi's whole land to the land will have tremendous prosperity and it's Abrahah. So it's a little bit confusing how we handle material wealth and how we daven for it because we're supposed to daven for it. But again when we daven for it, the key really is that it should better serve Hashem with this wealth and help others with this wealth. Chayim shal oysher v'chavay. Every Rosh Chaybosh benshin we ask that, a life of wealth and of honor. So there's no question that we could ask for it, we should ask for this. Nevertheless the Pasek of Aishman yashodnavayivat is a warning sign. Be careful. Be careful because it could lead you to turn away from Hashem. So ironically we're praying for a trait that can cause a tremendous downfall. And we said this a few times in the past, and it's worth repeating, that that is why when you're asking for bracha and shehah, you're asking for panasah or anything else you're asking for. You should be able to have when the lottery, be able to retire and without worries and all of these things that you ask for in that realm. It needs to be added with another tfilah that please let that the shehah that you give me help me become closer to you and not to have me stray further than you. You use this very, very Pasek. Please help me on these tremendous brachis and give me shehah from panasah but not Khalidah that it should come to a matzah of Aishman yashodnavayivat. You ask for this. The Svas MS says that's part of yevarechecha Hashem v'yishmarecha, yevarechecha Hashem Hashem sh' bless you, v'yishmarecha he should watch you the way he ties us, he should watch you, is that he should watch that this very blessing that he gives you should not be your detriment but should be for your benefit. And maybe when it says yehshodnavayivat says that the change really is within the person, right, v'yishman, right, when someone eats excessively, puts on weight, he is different than the person before, right. So yeh one person that's weighs, the scale says 270, let's say, but it's a regular person but he has also luggage that he's carrying and then there's someone else that just him and he's 270, big difference. So the bottom line is, is that we need to understand the dangers of materialism but the braches of materialism, the nisyaynais and the braches that come from asheris. When someone is in desperate poverty, it's also a tremendous nisyayn, not easy, but when brachashem ashi dayudav and Hashem relieves you of that, then you have a new set of tests, challenges, trials to get accustomed to watch that balance, you know, and not to go overboard with it, is very, very big nisyayn in life, but we could ask Akkadashbarka to help us with that. That's why very often, unfortunately, you read stories, lottery winners spend their winnings almost overnight foolishly and then they're left even worse shape than they were before. Many marriages break up because of this extra newfound riches. So we have to daven with the same time asking for material goods, to Hashem please just put it in simple English, help me keep my head screwed on straight, and it's very important to understand this. We have this meeda within us, nisyayshlaymanaraytsa masayim. Persons not satisfied with what he has generally speaking, it's never enough in human nature, that's the way it is. All of a sudden what was once a luxury becomes now a necessity. You had a vacation once in ten years, now it has to be bi-annually, or even annually, or even, you know, twice a year, even twice a month, and so on. People who have become accursed to a simple lifestyle are now exposed to an indulgent, extravagant, and exorbitant things. And that's why it's tremendous schus for ashirem, when they give their panacea, and then they're entitled to have a nice car and a wonderful house in Kolakavod, Cain Yerbu, in Klay Yisrael. Cain Yerbu in Klay Yisrael, Baruchah, Baruchah the Gashmi's Baruchah Baruchnius. But the wise people that have this ashires, they're not ostentatious about it, they don't flirt their wealth to others, but they keep it in a synodic way. They try because of the sake, or even to be mechan of their kids, you change certain things, yes, that you can improve and make better and nicer, why not, even it looks like COVID Shabbos or in the house, and so on and so forth. But at the same time, be very careful that your priorities don't change in a negative way. There's also a worry that comes with more ashires, where will the wealth come? What happens if I make a bad investment? What happens if the market goes down? Mar ben Achos and Mar ben Daiga, very often. So the question again, or going back to the beginning, is ashires a Baruchah or a Klay? And it depends. What does it depend on? Primarily, it depends on does the person who receives the Shaffa acknowledge HaKodesh Baruchu, the source of his wealth, and never forget HaKodesh Baruchu, the source of his wealth. If he realizes that everything that he gets is directly from Hashem, and it comes with an Achrayas, and he takes that Achrayas seriously, then his wealth that he got becomes a tremendous Baruchah. But if he acts fluidishly, and he believes that the ashires is a result of his own doing, or because he's worth it, or whatever it is, then no matter what, you'll run into that danger of Ayishman Yashurun Vayivot. So that is the philosophy ben Egeya, the Shaffa. Always ask for it, ask others to receive it in Klayasaral. But always ask Hashem, keep my head screwed on straight. Please give me the Shaffa, and with the Shaffa, please give me the tools and the echaylas to have Yershamayim, and to be even keeled, and to not allow that Shaffa to cause me to stray in any way, shape, or form whatsoever. Now, Rapaam used to talk a lot about Empashas as you know. Sometimes it's read on Shabbat Shuva, you want to improve yourselves, sometimes it's lain after Shabbat Shuva already, so then it's near Sukkha's time, after Yankipur. But still, the lesson is equal no matter how it comes out, the idea of learning to fulfill your potential. And it talks about, he talked about it a lot, and he teaches us, he brings Bedrashim on it, a big Yisai, Hashem does not demand impossible things from people. And I call this Shabbat Shurni and Bere Yaisav. A person, for example, he has a limited intellectual capacity, he can only learn Khomeish, he won't be punished, why didn't he learn Kabbalah, why didn't he learn the Kaisakhaishin, he didn't have the capacity. He may be asked, if he learned only Khomeish, why did you not attain the level of Mishnais? Because maybe that wasn't his reach, maybe that wasn't his reach. If he had Mishnais, why didn't he strive for the next level, Gomorrah, but not the crazy high levels. And you see like this, it brings on the Erechayim on this Bedrash, that vegetation, Hashem created all types of raindrops, various types of plant life to grow. Sometimes a drizzle, a gentle drizzle, will help some grass grow in the best way. When you drench rain, it causes other grass to thrive. Drizzle is not enough for grass, heavy downpours will help them. Same thing with the waters of the Tyra. Sometimes a person needs tha

Good day, everyone. We're about to begin by saying share number 168 with talking now about self-esteem and How stress could sometimes? shake our self-esteem But we need to have a healthy attitude towards what stress is There's one person that said that the best way to manage stress isn't to reduce or avoid it But rather to rethink it and even embrace it We show negative reviews on stress. It's difficult. It's harmful. It's overwhelming Too little to do and too little time debilitating and Very rarely do you see someone say oh, this is a motivating exciting necessary for growth Now stress has both aspects as a positive and the negative But the idea that all stress is bad for us and believing it is a problem Because if we think stress is bad for us, we tend to be less Stress resilient and more down about it more anxious about it Most less likely to find meaning and challenges To find the meaning and challenge in our lives is hard to find now Stress is a part of life It's in this sign. This is what the recital she saw means that it's in this sign and We need to utilize it to regulate it ask our sham to help us with it And to use it as an opportunity for us to grow the way we handle stress as everything else affects our self-esteem and As William James, which is one of the original psychologists That lived between 1982 and 1910 Had a brother called Henry James famous American author But he said this William James that the greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind our ability to change and To develop confidence coming from the kayak of the salamu alaikim that Hashem placed in you That can be quite self-assuring radiating from within you Knowing that you're you have goodness in you Recognizing it's a gift from Hashem and This having a natural genuine authentic confidence about the things that you are naturally good at Use the right way is not arrogance at all It's a salamu alaikim in us that tells us we are all put on this planet with a talent with an ability Everything is everyone is good at some something. You just need to find it No one is meant to be good at everything. That's okay It's not arrogance for example when you're on a flight There was scary turbulence let's say and the pilot gets on the airways and says I'm sorry Yeah, I'm giving you an unexpected roller coaster ride here, but don't worry. I'm experienced pilot One of Delta's best or whatever the company was. I know how to deal with this. We'll be we'll get through it And we'll be over it soon Most likely Sometimes a pilot could be arrogant. They don't believe in God They think it's their own doing but it could very likely bill to be when someone talks this way that the pilot is not arrogant at all He's using his confidence To make people feel better To be reassured by that confidence That's a very important to decide to know You could have a certain pride in your achievements and your ability to do things a certain way Just recognize that they're gifts from a sham Remember that feelings always overcomes logic generally speaking Sometimes we have to go straight to the larger to override our feelings Sometimes we have to go straight our feelings and shift them as well The idea is to recognize the Madonna of a sham When you feel good about a particular talent a particular skill at a particular interest Could be exciting and liberating and wonderful and you experience this once to take it with you To utilize everything properly Breaking negative beliefs into positive beliefs breaking negative habits into positive habits So many people were fired and and and had bumps in the road in the beginning of their careers In the non-Jewish world Elvis Presley you had the JK Rowling's her first book Harry Potter And the philosopher stone was rejected many many times before it was finally accepted Einstein was diagnosed with a learning disability and was labeled in cake promoting educated. We're not going to go through a list of Famous people that had these difficult setbacks early in life Some people felt this way Bad about themselves. I've always felt insecure never been confident shy all my life in my family self-conscious of me. I Have trouble passing tests. I'm not good at interviews and so on these beliefs cannot actually be true But if you talk it into yourself, then it'll become part of your problem rather than part of the solution So it's very important to recognize That we have the ability to overcome difficult things to develop a healthy self-confidence and there are Aspects of what we have to hold back from doing One of them is the actual holding back People that are shy or insecure or nervous or procrastinate Or they're their own worst critic They are better at relationships than careers and use hiding a way to mask a lack of confidence So one type would hold back with withdrawal the other type would push forward the better at careers than relationships those aggressive people Then type 3 is acting and hiding behind a mask people who Masked themselves avoiding Avoiding and hiding their true selves Whatever category you're in what we just described we have ability to change The idea is also our brain is programmed to move us towards pleasure to stay away from pain it will avoid pain So that it could find pleasure and sometimes it avoids playing in unhealthy ways and we need to know how to work it through So shouldn't avoid that pain Since our major need is to be accepted our greatest fear is to be rejected many of us avoid Pain in order to avoid those situations where we could feel rejected We have to learn how to stop fairing rejection. That's one of our avidus. That's one of our opportunities for growth The idea of what was once linked with pain to link it with pleasure you do it as follows for example You when in pain you say I might not succeed in Pleasure you switch it around and say I will succeed Hashem is going to help me succeed Hashem will give me the tools to succeed Pain links to this thing thought that I am a failure or I could fail and The pleasure is no I can't fail I Cannot fail because I could only learn about me and get Another step closer to my goals finding out what I was meant to do You may say to yourself in the pain mode I look stupid or I may look stupid in the pleasure mode No one has the power to make me look stupid In the pain mode, I could feel rejected in the pleasure mode No one can reject me unless I allow them to and I won't do that in the pain Aspects you say if I'm if I if I don't make it. I won't be able to cope The pleasure aspect says I can cope with anything as I move towards my goals The pain aspect would tell you my work may not be good enough and the pleasure aspect would Tell yourself again and again. I am more than good enough And then when you say to yourself in the pain mode, I may find out that I have no talent whatsoever And we counteract that by saying everything that doesn't work out Takes me closer To my real talents and my real abilities One famous person once said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent Which means we need to be accepted but first we need to accept ourselves why because Hashem accepts us Yes, we have to we have a responsibility to behave in better ways maybe than we did in the past but We don't feel inferior without anyone's consent Other than our own We need not be rejected No one can reject you unless you let them That is a very important key. You don't allow That mindset to come in you have to believe that everything is to help you for your benefit Here's an interesting story and we'll end up with this story One is about a journalist going to interview a holy man and the journalist cursed out this holy man and As he's giving insulting him and as he's criticizing him The holy man continued to smile even beam with happiness and contentment finally the journalist said in exasperation I don't understand why you are smiling. I just cri

Welcome, everyone. We're about to begin by S.S. Hashem Shalom by a share number 349. What I mentioned in last year 348 that we'll discuss in the next feedback I meant to discuss in the next year, which is this year 349. To understand the share and what it represents, please refer back to share number 348. We talked at length about understanding about your mode as a child and as an adult, and the difference between the two and how very often we carry into our marriage unhealthy aspects of childhood, and we need to grow and develop into what a healthy adult is. So in the last year 348, it went through a lot of those aspects. And now we're going to talk about that key of moving and shifting towards activating your adult self. That's what marriage actually asks you more than anything else as an adult is to activate that adult part of you. What does that mean? That means the part of you that is the age that you are now in your current state of life and recognizing that you are still home to a younger, vulnerable part of you from an earlier stage in your life that can hijack your nervous system in an instant. And without realizing this, you're transporting your way back into thinking in ways or speaking in ways or behaving in ways that's not appropriate to marriage. So what you do is that you let that younger, vulnerable part of you tell you as an adult what's bothering you. With you this part can express any or all feelings in any which way it needs and you can listen to that child voice in you, empathize with it or for perspective, be that healthy adult. When you listen to those childhood impulses and behaviors and thoughts in your mind, you know you're a mature adult and you listen to it, you empathize and you decide and see what your adult self wants to say or do. Your husband or wife does not have to be civil. They don't have to suffer from your unprocessed feelings from your past as a child. They don't need to suffer from your childhood and from the immaturity of your childhood or your unaddressed issues of your childhood. That's your job as an adult. Your husband or wife should be able to trust you that the two of you could work together as adults with whatever difficulties that arise as two healthy mature adults and that you'll take care of those younger and vulnerable and childish aspects that are triggered in the process that you'll deal with it yourself. The husband will deal with it in his own way with his own childish notions and the wife and her way in her own childhood notions. If they need outside help, they should get the outside help. But when they interact with each other, they need to understand they're interacting with each other as normal healthy adults. Many people can recognize that they're in the grip of their younger vulnerable self. When they see that their reactions are out of proportion to what's actually happening. Your wife or husband say a certain comment. They may have not been sensitive. It may have been a little bit rude, but the reaction is so extreme with such emotional hurt and with such violence and belligerence and reactive that you realize that it's not really your adult self that's responding to this. It's really your childhood that's surfacing and the immature aspects of yourself that are surfacing. And the behavior and tone of voice and words that you're talking now is reminiscent of childhood years and younger years. The lashing out or the tantrums or the cutting off people or withdrawing warmth like stonewalling, the stubbornness or stop talking or making snide immature comments or looking for subtle ways to punish each other or not so subtle ways to punish each other. Very much childish childhood type behaviors that you recognize in yourself. So it's important to remember when this happens. When these childish or teenage type behaviors that are undeveloped get thrown at you to remember that there's a part of you now that's I'm in a healthy adult and to remember that some part of you is crying out for attention. So it's up to you. It's not your spouse's job. It's your job. You listen to that cry, respond with care, respond with compassion, but also respond with a certain discipline and say, I hear your feelings. I care for you, but now I'm an adult and I'm going to act maturely. It's not the job of your husband or wife to do this. It's the job of yourself to do that. It's helpful, of course, if your husband or wife recognizes that you've been hijacked and doesn't get caught up in the drama and she realizes or realizes it's their childhood resurfacing, but staying adult again, you know, could help he or she gain the footing quickly and easily met a sham. So that could help with spouses could help each other with this, where they talk about this and recognize, you know, that immature or insecure part is coming up and they acknowledge it and they work on it. The key really here is awareness. When you notice and take responsibility for your feelings, what you're doing is you're empowering yourself. You're not at the mercy of what your husband or wife said or did. Even if they did something that may have been incorrect or upset you, but you're not at the mercy. You're not held hostage with your emotions, with your childhood or teenage swarm of emotions. You're not held mercy to it just because your husband or wife said something. You show up as an adult. You handle what is happening. And by doing so, you're helping yourself and you're helping your spouse as well. There's a certain calmness, a certain beauty, a certain help that you have said that you do by acting as a mature, healthy, warm, caring adult towards your husband and towards your wife. Yes, of course, there'll be triggers. Yes, of course, there'll be things that your spouse will say that may wake up old feelings and set you off to expect otherwise is unrealistic. So be prepared for it. Be ready to relate with whatever part of you shows up. And you may need to strengthen your sense of self as an adult with all the wisdom and life experience you've accumulated. You may need a Dracha from a Rebbe from a rough from a mentor from a therapist from a true good wise objective friend. But remember this. Remember that the charge reactions that you are experiencing is a reflection of something going on in you that you need to take care of in order to work out whatever issue it is that you're having with your husband or wife and to deal with it in a very mature and healthy, helpful way. This approach of activating your adult self frees you from being prisoner of what your husband or wife says or does. And it's not dependent on that and you'll be okay. No matter what your well being remains with you. You're able to take care of your own vulnerabilities to understand that maybe your husband or wife is also in grip of their younger vulnerable self and they're not responsible and you're not responsible for that either. And again, you hit a level where the two of you could reach that healthy state of adulthood and that's where the real beautiful communication between a husband and wife takes place by separating those moving parts to appreciate what's going on in these moments of difficulty gets you both where you need to be to reach that higher ground, that maturity, that level of beauty, that level of greatness that's within the both of you. So very often it's so important to realize this and to develop that healthy mature part of yourself. And when your child or teenage turmoil comes back at you and hits you full force when your wife or husband may have said something and triggered you, you take a deep breath, you hold back, you think to yourself and you would activate your healthy adult aspect of yourself and you talk to that child within you and you say, okay, I care about you. I know you're scared. I know you're angry. I know you're upset, but everything's going to be okay. You be the mature adult in the room, the room being the room of your own mind. You be that h