Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Wednesday, this 12th day of Tishray. Today, we were talking about setting our intentions for a conversation. So when we're involved in speaking Lushanhar with Toelas, speaking Lushanhar for constructive purposes, we have to announce our intentions before the conversation. So if you're asking a question saying, okay, I want to ask you a question for Shedah or I want to ask you a question for Toelas, if you're volunteering information, I will get to this down the road when we get into the conditions of Toelas. Sometimes you have to be proactive. If you know something, you have to say something and you have to insert yourself into a situation. But like I said, we'll get into when that applies in a different clip. But you have to, if you are in that situation, announce, I'm just telling you this with Toelas, you need to know this. Now, if you're on the side of the person being asked and somebody calls you up and says, I'm asking a question for Shedah or I'm asking for Toelas, that's enough to go ahead and engage in the conversation. You don't need to do like an investigative research project on whether or not this person knows the Halacha. Is this really the Toelas? You could generally rely on the fact that your fellow Jew is saying that this is Toelas and announcing the fact that this conversation has a purpose that is constructive to engage in the conversation unless for some reason you have some sort of a suspicion that it's not actually the case. So this happened to be once years ago. Somebody called me up and said, I have a question about, was that a girl that I had gone to high school with for Shedah? Now, my problem with the person who asked was that clearly she was very young. And so not the mother of the boy. And so I asked her, like, how are you connected to this boy or who are you asking for? And she said, I'm sorry, I can't say. And so then I said, well, then I can't say, right? The person that you're allowed to give over information for Shedah is to the person themselves who's looking for the Shedah or to their proxies, which are usually their parents. And so just using the words I'm asking for Shedah, it's not a magic formula that people can just now go sit around and gossip. There's a specific purpose, you know, I'm vetting somebody for somebody else. And, you know, you can't just like ask out of curiosity, because your friend's daughter is going to maybe be in a Shedah with, you know, this person, unless you're really being deputized to be the person who is the researcher. This happened to a friend of mine also, where when she was younger, she was doing research for a friend of hers. She called her a Shiva. And he like in my situation recognized that she was young and didn't want to speak to her. But then when she explained, my friend is an orphan, she has no parents. So I am doing her research for her. And I'm the one who's vetting her Shedah. And so then he was happy to speak to her and tell her information about the boy that she was looking into. But the point is, is that the conversation, the boundaries of the conversation are established beforehand. Toel us is not a free for all the word Shedah is not a free for all. But that being said, when a person asks, and I say, I'm just asking this little toel us, that is an indication that the conversation is a legitimate one. And then if you're very, you know, situation specific, I'm asking for to ask some looking to heart of this person. And you're talking about whether or not this person would now make a good employee and answering very direct and specific questions. And we'll get into, you know, some of the, you know, details about how this conversation should go and what information can be included and not be included, you know, at a later date, but the intentions are set up. And so we understand that this conversation is to help and not to harm. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day, everybody with Hashem's help. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Thursday the 13th day of tishray today We're talking about protesting injustice so we're going through the general category of speaking Lushenhar of Latoella speaking Lushenhar for constructive purpose and There are different scenarios where this would come up one of them is when there's been some sort of an injustice Some sort of wrongdoing now before I get into the scenario I just want to say as an aside that in any situation of to Ellis even if the conditions line up I just got a question yesterday from somebody who said well We didn't go through that all the conditions yet, but I have this question about 12 So I'm not sure if I could say something and so I told her this This thing which is keep in mind the word to Ellis is a constructive That's sort of a cheat code if you're in the moment and you don't know what to do because sometimes even all the conditions can be met But if you think that there's no not going to be any point and nobody's gonna listen to you Then there's really no point in saying something So you really want to think to the best of your ability of the consequences of your word and the potential fallout and Is it going to be constructive? Is it gonna help? Is it gonna harm now? One of the scenarios where a person could really help somebody with their words is when there's an injustice that's been done So maybe somebody Was cheated or somebody stole from somebody sometimes you even have a situation where the victim might not even be aware Let's say who hurt them or even the fact that they were hurt all together. It could be that if somebody was stolen from They're not even aware you could have a business person who's not aware Let's say that somebody embezzled some money from their company and so by talking publicly about what happened You'd be informing them basically of their loss and a lot of times that is appropriate to help remediate a situation get their money back right and a right a wrong sometimes we speak out publicly to Even deter other people let's say from committing the same crime You know well-known situation where we would speak publicly about somebody's wrongdoing is in the case of get refusal so the community uses the tool of public shaming and speaking badly about somebody as You know a tool I guess to get the person to give to get the husband to give his wife a get now I just want to say as an aside if you know of a situation where there is an injustice Get refusal or anything else. Obviously this clip should not serve as any kind of suck any sort of halakhic ruling in Individual situation you need to ask for guidance about if this situation applies And if so what I'm allowed to say how I'm allowed to say it where I'm allowed to say it and go from there But we see in the situation where sometimes speaking publicly about somebody really helps a victim and sometimes it's not even To remediate let's say something where you're helping somebody get their get or get their money back or right a wrong sometimes speaking publicly Really just supports the victim and it makes that person feel that there are people on their side and people who know that they've been wronged and Maybe that they're not the Victim in a seat that they're the victim in a situation and then somebody else is the bad guy in their own personal Struggle that they're going through so there could be a lot of reasons why when there is an injustice speaking out publicly about it Would be appropriate, but like I said First of all make sure that it is constructive and it's actually going to help but also in an individual situation Please ask for specific halakhic guidelines. Okay, that's it for today Actually, that's it for the next week or so because I will be posting in Mirsa Shem My next clip the day after Istrukhag So this will be it till after Yentif and I want to wish you all a beautiful haqsa meach a wonderful Yentif and with Hashem's help I'll meet you back here then

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Tuesday, the 25th Day of Tishrei. So glad to be back with daily clips. I hope you all had a beautiful Yantif. Today we are talking about proactively protesting something that hasn't even happened yet. So back before Yantif, what we were talking about is speaking Lashinara Latoelas as a general category, speaking Lashinara for constructive purposes, and going through some potential scenarios that might exist where it would be appropriate for somebody to say something. And sometimes, even before something's happened, the person is allowed to say something to protect somebody from harm when nothing bad happened yet, right? So with Lashinara, we're usually trying to protect somebody else from harm, or sometimes protesting in injustice with an eye towards making sure that it doesn't happen again, all sorts of other scenarios that we've been talking about. And sometimes you have a situation where you can anticipate that something might happen, and so therefore you need to warn people. And in warning people, you're going to be speaking badly about other people. So let's say you have a situation where there's a person in the community who got very upset at something that the rough said, and they're going around speaking badly about the rough. And so you could see that this person is trying to either drum up support, or he's creating Mahlokas in some way causing conflict in the community. And you feel like you know that this person will probably approach, let's say, Mr. Schwartz, the fictional Mr. Schwartz because he's a very powerful and influential person in the community. And so you want to go over and warn him and say, Hey, listen, this guy, Mr. We'll call them Mr. Goldberg. He's really upset. This is what happened. This is the thing that he got upset about. This is the type of person Mr. Goldberg is. He's going to probably try to approach you. And I just want to give you a warning so that you can know what to believe in not to believe and why this is all happening. And I don't want you to get sucked into this Mahlokas. And I don't want, you know, all these negative consequences to happen in our community because of what this guy is upset about. Now, assuming that the person who's speaking here and warning Mr. Schwartz, their intentions are pure. Their goal is to try to minimize conflict. They're not just trying to, you know, get involved and be in the know and start more drama. So this could potentially be a real situation of Toelas, of constructive speech, even though nothing happened yet, meaning Mr. Schwartz is unaware of what's going on until the person approaches them and warns him. But again, the idea here is, is that the person is trying to get ahead of a story, get ahead of a situation, minimize conflict, minimize ultimately the lesson are that's going to happen. And in this situation, this fictional situation, Mr. Goldberg might find out that people are speaking about him to try to, let's say, discredit him or to try to contradict the stories that he's telling, which would ultimately be a Achilles, right? He's going to find out that people are speaking about him. But even so, the goal again here is shown, the goal to shut down Machlokas. And you know, we talk about this when we speak about not accepting LaShonhara, the person who's the listener is very often the person who's more control of this conversation than the person who's speaking because people are very sensitive to social acceptance and to social pressure. And if people would really not tolerate listening to LaShonhara, so then people really wouldn't speak it. And the same is true in this type of situation where there's Machlokas in a community, where people are on their guard and people really make a stand like we don't tolerate, let's say people stirring up the pot or causing drama, we don't tolerate Machlokas in our community. Shalom is a priority. So people who would be more inclined, let's say, to create drama or to create Machlokas really would be shut down. And sometimes that proactive LaShonhara Latoales really puts a stop to it. Now, of course, I have to say if this is something that you're involved with personally or that you see happening, this clip is not a guide, you need to ask specific guidance, ask your Dastora what to say, how to say it, who to say it to, really figure out, you know, if it's going to be helpful, if it's going to stop LaShonhara altogether, or if it's just like I said, getting more involved in the situation speaking to more people. So it really takes a lot of wisdom and forethought and nuance. But just to know that this scenario exists where sometimes something hasn't even happened yet and proactively saying something would not be LaShonhara, in fact, it would be tremendous misfit to shut down Machlokas. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. So glad to be back with Hashem's help. I will meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Wednesday, the 26th day of Tishrei. Today we are talking about constructive inquiries. So we're talking about the general category of speaking Lishinhara Latoelas. And before we speak Lishinhara Latoelas, there's obviously somebody that asked a question or is doing some research that prompted the conversation in the first place. The classic examples, of course, are asking about a shidah or asking about going into business with somebody. And there are other categories maybe that would totally be legitimate. Looking to hire somebody, even let's say it's babysitter. So you're going to have somebody in your house watching your kids. It's legitimate to want to find out is this person responsible. Or maybe you're thinking of sending your child to Yeshiva. You're thinking of sending your child to a camp. You're going to move to a community. You're going to ask questions maybe about the role of your community, if he could be relied on. These are all questions that are totally legitimate for a person to inquire. However, a few things that I want to say about this. As we've said many times before, when you're asking a question, Latoelas, you have to set up the conversation beforehand and verbally say, I'm just asking this question, Latoelas, or I'm looking to hire this person or I'm inquiring about a shidah. And that does two things. First of all, it tells the person that this is a legal conversation and they're allowed to answer those questions. Although the person who's on the receiving end, if they have negative information that they know that they're going to be asked about, I always recommend saying something like, All right, let me call you back when I have a little bit more time to talk and then call somebody and find out what you're allowed to say and how you're allowed to say it. Because sometimes like in the moment when somebody asks us a question and we're not really sure, does this fit into the category? Is this something that I'm allowed to talk about? So that's always just a good piece of advice to make sure that you can give the person the information that they need and that's holahically appropriate to do so. But by saying that this is a conversation with Latoelas, so we're setting up the boundaries of the conversation. And so the conversation is less likely to go sideways. If you're just talking about a yeshiva and you're not really clear like I have questions about this yeshiva because I'm thinking to send my son. And then we're just talking and then it's like, oh, we're talking about the educational philosophy of the yeshiva. And we're talking about the verb and we're talking about the products that the yeshiva produces. And the conversation certainly can veer into all sorts of just gossipy directions as opposed to being very solution focused or just, you know, I have a question that needs answering. You have this information. Can you please answer it? And so that's a very important setup when a conversation is happening with Latoelas to make sure that the purpose of the conversation truly is constructive and it's truly helpful. And it isn't just an opportunity to gossip and it's not just looked at again with Latoelas. I say this all the time. It's not that we have a free pass or that we have permission to gossip, but rather we have an obligation to have a conversation that's going to help somebody else protect them from harm or prevent something bad from happening. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody. With a shams up. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Thursday the 27th day of Tishrei. Today we're talking about who we're asking questions from. Now before we get into it, I just want to apologize for my voice. I was sick, but I'm better, but you know at the end of a cold sometimes that's when the voice goes. So that's what's going on for me, and you'll hear it at apologies. But we've been talking about the general category of speaking Lushenhar or Latoela, speaking Lushenhar for constructive purpose. And of course before that conversation, there's somebody who asked or inquired about somebody and as we said yesterday, when we're inquiring for Toales, first of all, we set up the boundaries of the conversation. We clearly state our purpose. We also want to ask direct questions because we have something that we want to find out about. So we don't beat around the bush. We ask directly and hopefully get direct answers back to those questions. But a very important part of this whole calculation of engaging or starting to solicit information is to think who we're going to ask those questions to. Now, you have a situation like a shidah, so there's a resume, let's say, where there's references. And of course, it's good to call those references. But a lot of times people will say, you know, I also want to call people who are not on the resume because presumably the people who are on the resume are people that that person shows and aren't going to say nice things and advocate for that person. And if you're looking into somebody, you might want to get a bigger picture or a broader perspective on the person. And it's certainly legitimate to do that. But you really do still want to think carefully about who you're calling, whether it's a shidah or anything else, you're looking to hire somebody, you're thinking about moving to a block or joining a show, or, you know, sending your child to a camp, you want to think about who actually has the information that you need, who can answer you clearly directly. If it's somebody who's just sort of on the peripheral of the issue that you're looking into, it's just going to wind up being a conversation that's a little gossipy. And then maybe it's less than horror because it's not really very purposeful if the person can't really answer the question. Another thing to keep in mind is not asking somebody who maybe the person you're asking about has bad blood with because they're obviously going to be very emotionally involved with this person in a negative way. And that's going to color and influence the answers that they give. Now, it's really unfortunate because sometimes you have a situation where, let's say, somebody got into a fight with somebody, the most, I don't know, traumatic example I could think of is if you're looking into somebody, let's say, who's divorced, and you think, well, it'd be really nice if I could ask his ex-wife about him because she's the one who really has the information. But obviously, this is a person who's probably somewhat compromised, probably has a lot of negative emotions, might have resentment and anger towards this person. And so their answers are going to be colored by that. If you could figure out that this person, let's say the divorce was really amicable, and this person really could say with a full heart, like it wasn't for me, the marriage didn't work, he's a great guy, he's a good father, we just can't live together, and you know for sure that there's no animosity there, then ask a Shilah first, ask a question first, but then you could talk to that person probably. But if you know that there is animosity and there are hard feelings, as much as it might be helpful, the conversation is not really going to be the Toe'les for constructive purpose. There's going to be all sorts of other things that are coming in their anger and resentment and their opinions about things and sort of the emotional weight of whatever happened and the conversation now is not going to be helpful, certainly for the person who's trying to find out or get a really clear picture and obviously the potential for that conversation going sideways and staying off track and getting off track of Toe'les is very, very high. So thinking about not just what we're asking, but who we're asking is a really important element here into these constructive inquiries that we would make. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with a shams up. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Friday the 20th day of tishari today We're talking about asking questions about a rub So we've been talking about the general category of speaking Lashenara, Latoela speaking Lashenara for constructive purposes and This week we've been talking about when we're on the side of being the solicitor We're asking the question the two most common examples are for purposes of a shidah or for business But another area of inquiry which I mentioned them passing yesterday I really think it's worthwhile to have a dedicated clip about this as if somebody is looking for information about a rub So maybe somebody moves to a new community and they want to know can I rely on this rub for his halakhic rulings Maybe when it comes to kashras or okay I could rely on him for kashras questions, but is he also a good person to talk to maybe if I'm having some personal issues And I need some guidance Sometimes it's not even a person sometimes it could be community organization, you know, do they do good work? Can I rely on them? Can I rely on the sashgaha maybe and the reason why I think it's worth a dedicated clip is because in this type of Situations the stakes are very very high on both ends of the spectrum So it's a legitimate question that is necessary sometimes for a person to ask It definitely falls under the category of topics that would be Latoela's for constructive purpose But like I said, the stakes are higher meaning to say that you know whenever we speak Lushenhara So we run the risk of not just doing an aveira of Lushenhara But many other avarice as well are usually included in the mix, right? the Chovetz Chaimless 17 negative commandments and 14 positive commandments that we potentially violate when speaking Lushenhara Included amongst those is putting down a Torah scholar And we've talked about this when we talk about the laws of Lushenhara that when we speak Lushenhara We speak negatively about a Rav or Torah scholar So we are lowering their esteem in the eyes of people who would go to them for their Torah We we mock the Torah that they teach and we denigrate that Torah Also, we make that person sometimes ineffectual when we speak negatively about them And so the stakes are really high if we're gonna say something about a Rav that's going to Put people off and maybe make people not go to that Rav Or like I said even an organization Maybe a Hashqah or something like that and we speak negatively about them So then now that organization can no longer or no longer has the same type of power to help people in the community Because people are speaking badly and so, you know it the stake the conversation has very high stakes And it also has high stakes on the other side meaning to say that a Rav who's in a position of authority has a lot of ability to mislead people and to hurt people and so You know knowing if let's say a Rav is maybe not a person that somebody should go to It's something that somebody really needs to know about and people need to warn maybe other people about that person or warn people about that Organization if let's say we're talking about a cautious organization and they're not very meticulous and it's not a good Hashqah you need to tell people so that they know not to eat that Hashqah same as true for a Rav So like I said, this is a conversation that's worth its own clip because the stakes are so high and to know first of all That this is a topic of conversation that definitely falls within the bounds of to Allah something that a person could ask and should ask But they just need to take maybe that extra care and do those things that we talked about this week Meaning knowing who to ask not asking somebody with a personal grievance Let's say about the Rav and making sure that they're asking specific questions to get the specific answers that they need and that they're not just Gossiping about somebody who's a Rav and who's a Tamachacham and being just kind of maybe having almost an extra layer of Deliberation and care about asking the question who to ask the question to but also making sure that they do ask those questions Because it's like I said, you know the stakes are higher on both end of the spectrum And it's something that a person really should be diligent and finding out the answers to the questions that they need If they're talking about somebody that they're going to for advice or for a halakh sake in any way Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day. Everybody have a wonderful Shabbos No Q&A on Sunday. It didn't get any questions this week. So with Hashem's help. I'll meet you back here on Monday

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Sunday, Rosh Chodesh, Khashvan. Happy Rosh Chodesh, everybody. So Sunday, I do Q&A feedback, and I know I said in Friday's clip that I didn't have any for this week, but since I recorded that clip, somebody told me a story that I want to share with you now. The story doesn't have to do with our current topic, which is Toe'elas, but rather the topic that we did previously, which is being in the listener position, and not being macabre, not accepting as fact that Lushenar is true. So what this person told me, and I'll call her Miriam, not her real name, was that she has a business and she deals with a firm vendor in her business and never had a problem with this vendor. Every interaction, every transaction went smoothly and she was always happy with their business relationship. She was talking to a friend who's in the same line of work, in the same type of business, another firm person, and this person started going on and on. She had mentioned in passing that she did work with this, that she did business with this vendor. This person started going on and on about how dishonesty is and you can't trust him and all sorts of negative things. And Miriam told me two things. First of all, she said she was so surprised because, as she said to me, you know, it's not like I never speak Lushenar. Of course I do, but I try to work on it. I'm aware. And just to hear somebody speak Lushenar so blatantly without any kind of filter is really shocking when you're really trying not to. And it just kind of speaks to how your conversations change even without realizing it when you're working on Chimera Salajon. And just to hear somebody just go on and on about somebody in such a negative way, in such an unfiltered way, was really just shocking. She just didn't even respond right away because of that sort of just flow of negativity that was coming her way. But then she said the second thing she noticed was that after that conversation, she started being very suspicious about this vendor and she had an interaction with the vendor later in the week and she was very tough with him. And she said it was because she had this woman's voice in her head and she was hearing, oh, he's dishonest. And it really changed her interaction and changed the way she spoke to him. And the way she said it was I just I can't unhear what I heard. So I would tell Miriam two things. The first is that obviously, when we hear something, our job is not to accept this fact that it's true, but it doesn't mean it's easy. So it takes a while to really have our mind and our feelings about somebody catch up to our behavior. The behavior is the easiest thing to change, right? So trying to behave as you did previous to having heard this lesson or if you had never heard it would be the priority to work on. And those thoughts and feelings will catch up. However, it's also true that having heard this lesson. Hara does mean that even though you know, Miriam, let's say never had any negative dealings with him at every interaction she had was good. It doesn't mean that she should just ignore what she heard and not be suspicious because of course you still need to protect yourself. And just because Miriam never had a negative interaction doesn't mean that that's proof positive that this person is completely honest. And we're always obligated to protect ourselves and to make sure that while we don't accept this fact that it's true and we don't change our behavior, we still have maybe an inquiry or we have some sort of an obligation to protect ourselves, to protect our business. Certainly there are people that work for Miriam that she also is thinking about protecting. And it is a very nuanced and hard line to walk, but one that the Halecha obligates us to. So I just wanted to share that story. And obviously, ideally this, you know, colleague would have found a way to talk to Miriam if this person really is dishonest. And I don't know if they are or not, following the Halechas of Toalus, which we will get back to him tomorrow. So that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day. Happy Rosh Chorosh again with Hashem's help. I'll meet you back here then.

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Monday, Rosh Chodesh, Khashvan. Today, we're talking about making somebody your deputy. So, we've been talking about the general subject of speaking L'Shanhar for constructive purpose. And within that, we were talking last week and still continuing to talk today about when we are on the side of the person who is asking the question. So, soliciting information, whether it's for Shadduch or any other valid Toales. Now, one of the things that a person is allowed to do is they are allowed to make somebody else their agent and ask somebody else to inquire for them. Now, not just because they don't want to ask the questions and they're not in the mood to find out information. It's if somebody else has better access to information or could do a better job of doing the research for them. So, we talked a little while ago about a situation where, let's say, a person in Khashvashalm is an orphan. They don't have parents. And so, if they don't have parents, sometimes they'll be like a rabbi or a mentor who will do their Shadduch vetting for them. Or sometimes you have a situation where a person is a Balchuva and their parents are just not involved in the Shadduch system. So, again, they'll have a rabbi maybe or somebody else do their research for them. That's not even what we're talking about today. Today, we're talking about, for whatever reason, let's say the parents are still there. We're talking about a situation maybe where somebody's looking to hire somebody, but they're not so good at it maybe. Or they don't really know the world that they're involved in searching out for. So, you have somebody, let's say, maybe somebody has a daughter and there's a boy that was read to that girl from a specific Ishiba. And they just don't have a lot of connections within the Ishiba community, but they have a friend who really knows people and who has access to people who would feel comfortable speaking to that person and giving the information that, let's say, the parents need. And so, if that person would do a better job, they could ask that friend to say, listen, I know you know a bunch of people who go to this Ishiba or who know this boy and they'll, you'll be better able to get information about this boy than I would. So, can you ask these questions for me? And so, again, if that person would do a better job, then you could ask that person to be the middleman and to go ahead and inquire, even though this person now is going to have access to information that's potentially Lashenhara now, aside from the fact that this person needs to be able to better access that information. So, really, they're going to do a better job. They're going to get the information that's needed and whatever scenario of 12 we're talking about, that person obviously needs to know the laws of Lashenhara and the conditions of Toales that we're going to talk about hopefully soon down the road on this chat. But the idea is to be able to better make a decision or to prevent damage or protect oneself or one family from harm. And if somebody else can help us do that better than we are allowed to ask that person to get involved, one condition that I think no longer exists or one scenario or person in the olden days might have asked somebody to be a middleman or would ask somebody to be their agent is maybe distance. So, back in the day, let's say, somebody, let's say, was read a shirukh and the potential shirukh was in a different city. And so you would ask a friend maybe who lived in that city to do the research for you, you know, find out from their friends, find out from their family, find out from their teachers, get the information that I need. I don't live there anymore. So, or I don't live there at all. So, I can't ask people questions. I don't have access to that community. I think distance certainly is not a factor anymore that exists in the world because of technology, but you definitely have other limitations or other situations that would block somebody maybe from accessing information that somebody else can get involved and do that research for somebody else. So, that's it for today. I do have a very exciting announcement in the next day or two. I will hopefully be sharing this with you all a call and number finally so people who don't have WhatsApp can access this chat daily via phone and people have been asking me for a long time and I think I finally figured out how to do it. So, I will be posting that information in the next day or two. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody. Khodesh Tov with Hashem Salaam. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Tuesday, the second day of Cheshvan. Today we are talking about asking for advice. So we're speaking about the general category of speaking LaShahar LaTowalla, speaking LaShahar for constructive purposes and more specifically we've been speaking about being in the position of the person who initiates the conversation. So maybe inquiring about a Shaddach or asking for any other Towallas about somebody. And one of the scenarios that a person might find themselves in where they're initiating a conversation that is negative about somebody else is when a person needs advice to help deal with a Ben-Adama Javeiro situation, something that is relational, that is interpersonal. And it is a Valato Ellis, a person is allowed to ask advice if they really need help with a personal situation, even though it's going to involve speaking negatively about somebody else. Now, I just want to differentiate there's a difference between asking for advice and venting. Asking for advice is I need a solution, I need a strategy, I need some guidance to deal with this relationship. Venting is just I need to get something off my chest and I just need that person to listen. Both are Valato Ellis, but they're a little bit different and we'll talk about venting a different time. I just will say as an aside that the thing that I get the most questions about from people who listen to this chat is about the topic of venting. So I know that a lot of people have situations where this is relevant or have questions about it. We'll deal with it down the road. With regards to asking for advice though, certainly a person can talk to let's say a therapist or a mentor or a RAV, but sometimes it's even just a friend, somebody that they trust who has, you know, good relational skills or has wise advice and helps a person deal with, you know, like a difficult, like I said, a difficult conflict. And a person should just make sure that they're very mindful when they ask advice that they are picking that type of person. The person who is going to guide them and who's going to help them because when we have these types of scenarios where we're allowed to like engage with in talking about somebody who is causing us pain or who's difficult, it can very easily be sort of like, well, it's kind of just a loophole in our opportunity to gossip. We really need to be honest with ourselves about the fact that this is, you know, whether or not this is a two-wildest conversation. Do I really need advice? Am I just kind of using it as an excuse to maybe speak badly about this person that's irritating and annoying? But, you know, if you do that inner work and you really need that guidance, certainly you're allowed to ask somebody that, you know, we'll talk a little bit more tomorrow about the role of the person who is on the receiving end, being asked advice, and what their job is here with regards to Shemir Sala Shalom. But for the person asking, it's a to-well as if they need support and help. And if at all possible, and the person who's asking can keep the identity of the person they're asking about anonymous, then that would be ideal and it wouldn't really be Lush and Hara. You know, if they could even ask questions and say it in such a way like I have this friend that's really, you know, causing a lot of pain in my life and I want to ask you about how I should deal with the situation and you're able to maybe even mask the identity of the person you're asking about, then so much the better. Now, obviously, that's not always possible. If a girl's asking about her mother-in-law, the fact that it's a mother-in-law is very important. And so we obviously know who she is and the dynamic is important for the person who is listening to help guide that person. So, like, you know, sometimes it doesn't work to hide the identity, but if at all possible and the person who's asking could be anonymous in their question, then that's great. But even so, again, being really honest with ourselves and recognizing who we're asking, how we're asking, what the purpose is of asking this and really recognizing and identifying exactly who that person should be and asking that question would certainly be a valid thing to initiate with To-well as. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with Hashem's Help. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Wednesday the 3rd day of HaShvan. Today we're talking about giving advice. So, we're talking generally about speaking in L'Shahar le Tawales and one Tawales, one reason why a conversation might happen that has negativity that's constructive, is if a person needs advice, which we started talking about yesterday. Now obviously, if a person's allowed to ask for advice le Tawales and speak negatively about another Jew, that there's a person on the listening end of that. There's the advice giver. And so if you're in a position where somebody comes to you and asks you for advice, you're hearing negative stuff about a fellow Jew. And there's obviously some obligations that come along with that. The first and foremost, of course, being not accepting is fact that it's true, even though you're participating in the conversation and you're giving advice, which is really a very heavy lift. It's really a hard challenge because when somebody comes to you and asks for advice, of course they're talking about something that's difficult for them. There's something painful. And they're very often emotional. And our natural inclination when we engage with somebody like that is to empathize with them. And it's always very important to remember that we're hearing one side of the story, whether the person giving advice is a professional, like a therapist, a coach, a raw mentor, or it's just a friend. It's your sister, right? So certainly if it's a close friend, if it's somebody that you're emotionally connected to, that it's even harder to not accept this fact that it's true. And nevertheless, it's still the obligation. And it is a very hard line to walk. Also, just because somebody asks for advice doesn't mean that the person they're asking is the right person to be giving that advice. And so sometimes the person feels very flattered. Somebody's coming to me for advice. Obviously, that means that they think I'm wise. They think I have something to offer. They think I could guide them. But maybe somebody starts talking and says, you know, I just talked to you about my mother-in-law. She's so challenging. And a person might feel like, you know what, I'm really not equipped to handle this conversation because I don't get along with my mother-in-law or maybe I know your mother-in-law. And so I'm not going to be able to give you really like objective advice or like this isn't my area. And so the conversation maybe needs to shut down, be shut down right in the beginning. And the person who's being asked might need to say, listen, you know, who's a good person, go speak to Sarah. She really could help you with this. And just because somebody asks doesn't mean that the person they're asking is the right person to ask. And it really takes a lot of self-awareness on the person being asked to recognize if they can help. Then they're obviously allowed to participate in the conversation. Obviously, like I said, not accepting as fact that it's true. But if they're not, then to shut it down in the beginning and maybe guide that person elsewhere. I think also sometimes what happens is secondhand asking for advice. So let's say you have somebody who goes and asks their friend. And for whatever reason, that friend is the only person they really feel comfortable sharing their pain with and sharing the story with. But that person doesn't really know how to guide them and might say, okay, listen, let me think about what you asked me. And let's, you know, pick it up tomorrow. And then that person might need to call and say, okay, somebody asked me for advice. And I don't know what to say to them. And so sometimes that is also a valeto Alice. That step of the conversation, if it's a secondhand type of thing, very often, or is more likely anyways, to be able to be handled anonymously where you could say, okay, this is my friend asked me for advice. And she's in a situation with her boss. It's very challenging for her. And kind of, you know, not necessarily say who is being asked about me. Sometimes the identity of the people are very relevant is very relevant. So then obviously that would be necessary. But again, if somebody is allowed to ask, then somebody is allowed to listen to that conversation and help accordingly just so long as it is really a to Alice, it really is for constructive purpose. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with a chance to help. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Thursday the fourth day of Reshpan. Today, we're talking about venting. So we're talking generally about speaking L'Shanhar with Toala, speaking L'Shanhar for constructive purposes and we talked about more specifically initiating those conversations. One of the categories we talked about was asking for advice, which a person's a lot of do, even though there might be some negativity about somebody else in that conversation. We talked about the yesterday and I mentioned that there's a difference between asking for advice and venting. So saying something just to calm down or to get something off your chest or to process something upsetting that happened and a person is allowed to do that with Toala's. It is also about Toala's, however, it's a little bit more of a challenging area and it is the topic that I get the most questions about and I think the reason for that is because the lines of these conversations can be a little blurry when it comes to just the Halakha gramifications of venting and getting something off your chest and part of the reason why I think that is is because usually when we're venting and we're just talking to somebody about something that's upsetting or we just need a process or we need to calm down, we're very upset or in an emotional place and so when we're in an emotional place, we're not always careful about choosing our words. We're not always thinking it out and we just are just spewing stuff and we're just upset and then afterwards we're like, oh, should I say that? Should I not say that? Did I really need to say that? Am I not sure? And so just a few basic guidelines here about venting. So first of all, the purpose of the conversation when somebody's really upset and needs to talk to somebody is to calm down. So picking the right person is important because there are sometimes people that you can call who would totally understand and totally validate and can relate to the scenario, but it's the type of person who might say, I can't believe she said that to you. That's totally not okay. And then that person really instead of calming the person down or helping them, let's say, see the other side of the story, helping it so that they don't speak more or less in horror, which is also the goal here, that person just entrenched the negativity and reaffirms whatever is going on that needed to be vented about in the first place. So really picking that person where it's going to be a productive conversation. Again, Toalis is constructive, constructive, productive. I'm going to talk to somebody that's something that's really bothering me so that I calm down, maybe so this person could offer a different perspective, maybe so that after I talk to this person, I'm calm. And then when I call my mother, when I call my mother-in-law, whoever I'm upset about, I'm able to be respectful and I'm able to, you know, comport myself the way I should comport myself and really thinking with venting of like the goal of Toalis, the goal is to be constructive, helps a person really to identify whether or not this conversation really is a valid Toalis or whether I'm just using it as a loophole to speak negatively about somebody that's really getting on my nerves. So we really need to do that self reflection and be honest with ourselves about the conversation and, you know, really recognize the fact that this is something that really has to be necessary to engage in the conversation. A venting could be to a family member, to your sister, to your husband, to whoever it is and just speaking negatively about somebody so that you can, you know, avoid worse conversations later is the key here. Also, I think a lot of times just inserting time is really important because when we're worked up and we're emotional, that's usually when we make mistakes. And I know this has happened to me where something has happened and I'm like, I have to call my sister. I have to, you know, this is totally a Toalis. I'm so upset. I need to calm down. And then for whatever reason, like I couldn't get through, my sister was busy or whoever I wanted to talk to about it, you know, wasn't able to talk and then like later on in the day, you know, a few hours later when I finally did get through, like my need wasn't as great and I didn't necessarily need to say the thing that I would have needed to say in the moment. And so, you know, sometimes just giving ourselves a few moments to calm down or a few hours to calm down and then really assessing at that point, like, is this something that I still really need to talk to somebody about? Am I just as upset? Do I really need to calm down? Is this really necessary? Do I need this perspective? I think it's just sort of a good strategy. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day, everybody. With Hashem Salab, I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Friday the fifth day of Khashban today We are talking about listening to somebody vent So we've been discussing speaking Lashahara Latoela speaking Lashahara for constructive purpose and a valid to us It's just to get something off your chest to vent to calm down to just express yourself And so if there's going to be somebody who vents just like when we talked about asking for advice another valid to us There's somebody who's listening somebody giving advice or in this case listening to somebody vent now listening to somebody vent It's very challenging because the job of the person who's listening to somebody who's just saying something for the purpose of Expressing themselves that job of that person is just to validate. It's just to listen It's just to be there for that person without necessarily offering suggestions or advice Or maybe even Offering to share maybe the perspective of the person that they're venting about in fact They got a message from somebody this week that said that she went to somebody Because she was really upset about a family member and she was talking to somebody who knew this family member that she was talking about and this person You know, obviously of course well-meaning and trying to be helpful kept trying to share with her Like maybe this was what she was thinking and maybe you should think about it this way And she's such a good person and you shouldn't really be upset at her and she said it was just so upsetting You know so unhelpful because she just really needed to talk and for the person who's listening It's so counter-intuitive because when we're hearing negativity We naturally want to protest at negativity about somebody else Even in fact, there's another valid to Alice when let's say people are engaged in a conversation about Lush and horror a person is allowed to Potentially participate and listen in on that conversation if they can let's say contradict the person who's speaking and convince the other listeners Then in fact, there's another side to the story and defend maybe the person that's being aligned in that conversation So when we're on that listening end and we're just sitting there, you know hearing make activity Our instincts would be to like show a different perspective and to you know Give the person ideas very hard to not give advice when you're listening and especially if you have good advice to give But really the the power of the person talking is that they get it off their chest And they just need somebody to listen and validate and so the person who's listening even though they might not be saying anything Or they're not they're not contradicting Really is a very very powerful role. It's a really big class set to be able to do for somebody else Of course the person who is listening and and being the Sounding board for the person who's venting has to work as always not to accept this fact that it's true But just know that sometimes it's just not appropriate to give advice or to contradict or to say anything I guess maybe you could sometimes say something very general like you know, I'm here for you just if you want to talk if you want to Strategize we can do that also, you know something like that Maybe, you know might be appropriate. I just want to say that I know a post of this There's a caller in line now So for those of you who have listened to listening on the call line and I've already heard from people who are using it I'm the numbers 929 270 1157. I'll actually I'll put the number in the description of the WhatsApp chat It's for people obviously who don't want to listen or don't have WhatsApp or easy access to the internet apologies. The audio is not as great on the call line It's just the nature of telephones It's also for those of you listening on email. It is in the body of the text of the email So you could get the call number there But for those of you who are listening now today, you're normally I post let's say seven eight o'clock in the morning And I have a question some days Q&A. I'll be posting the Normal Q&A early in the morning Sunday morning But for those of you who are calling in it probably won't be put posted on the call until about 5 p.m Just this Sunday for technical reasons So I hope everybody's enjoying it and please share that number with people who would like to be able to listen You do have to call in daily and it's right at this point. You can't really access yesterday's clip I'm trying to still work out some of the kinks. So anyways, it's a tip for today Have a wonderful day. Have a wonderful Shabbos with us. I'm so I'll meet you back here on Sunday

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Sunday the 7th day of Reshpan I hope you all had a beautiful Shabbos Sunday is reserved for Q&A and feedback if I get it and I got a question this week about speaking Lishinahar to one's husband So this is within the broader context of the subject that we've been talking about which is speaking Lishinahar to Tawales for constructive purpose and more specifically we talked this last week about Or this past week about asking for advice giving advice venting listening to somebody vent and the question was you know we have the saying Ishtokugufo person spouses like themselves and so it would seem that the Standard maybe is a little bit more relaxed when it comes to one's husband And so the truth is is that Lushinahar is Lushinahara even to one husband. They're not considered one person with regards to this it's two separate people but You know for a lot of women if they're lucky enough their husband is the person they're closest to and the person that they would naturally want to vent to and then if really you know all the conditions line up They would be allowed to then vent to their husband It's also true that with the emotional closeness that comes with a good relationship So a person sometimes maybe needs to even be more on guard with their husband than with somebody else because they would just naturally Not have as much of a filter when it comes to speaking negatively It's also true that if somebody's you know really in pain So the person who's going to maybe deal with the consequences of that is one spouse or anybody that somebody lives with and is very close to and so That also needs to be assessed about maybe talking to somebody that you live with whether it's your husband or it's your sister Or it's your parent, you know I'm like this this happened and I'm really upset about it and I need to work through this if it's really impacting them So that might be a reason why somebody might need to share something specifically with a spouse or with you know Like I said somebody else that they live with however The basic halakha is is that speaking Lushinahara is Lushinahara and then it really just requires especially in that close relationship And I you know for some people could be that their husband Because of that close and you know intimate relationship is the person about whom they need to vent to somebody else. So that that's also true But if a person has a relationship with their husband or they're the person that they're venting to Asking advice from just really engaging in self-reflection and Being honest about whether or not the conversation really is for to Ellis. Is it constructive? Is it helping the situation or is it just you know sort of an excuse to to talk and you know Just getting something off one's chest and processing is also a val to Ellis potentially So the lines are a little blurry, which just means that we really need to engage in that Examination and and just be as honest as possible. I also got a question about whether or not we can vent to more than one person And so the short answer is yes The longer answer is you know, it depends so if it's really necessary then yes But again, we just need to make sure that what we're doing is constructive. So it's helping I'm less upset at this person and you know if we're if we're really angry if we're really upset about somebody somebody really hurt us and so You know using the loophole of being able to vent to get something off one's chest could really just be an excuse To speak negatively about somebody that I'm mad at and so the idea is so that I am not upset I'm more bashal with that person I am you know Able to look at this person with that I ain't told I'm not gonna speak less and hard about that person So ideally with venting you do it to one person If really necessary, you know again being honest with yourself and you really need to talk about it with somebody else You know, I guess with advice it makes more sense that maybe you'd ask more than one person for advice because sometimes You have a situation where different people have different areas of expertise about a specific topic that one needs advice about And so sometimes that makes a little bit more sense that you'd want to ask somebody About one part of a conflict and then ask somebody else about another part of the conflict But I guess the theme of this Q&A feedback session for this Sunday Is really just self-reflection and being honest with them with oneself about the need to have a conversation Or if it's just an excuse to speak negatively about somebody that we're having a hard time with anyways, it's it for today Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to everybody who sent in Q&A feedback with Hashem's help I'll meet you back here tomorrow

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Monday the 8th day of trash fun today We were talking about prevention. So this is a very Emotional subject for a lot of people. We're talking about speaking on Charlotte Oala speaking on Schnaar for constructive purpose That's the general category. We've been discussing going through various scenarios where this is relevant and one scenario is To prevent some harm to avert some sort of an attack now this can come up Let's say if a person has a neighbor who is elderly and shouldn't be driving and every time they get on the road They're menace and so speaking let's say to their kids or maybe to somebody the neighborhood that has some sort of authority to take This person's keys away might be a valid to Alice if you know, you see that this person is engaging in risky behaviors But we have other types of things that really can be very highly emotional So it can be hard to navigate where let's say somebody's on an offender registry or somebody has a history of offending Or there's some sort of really valid suspicion that this person could be offending and then a person You know should all the conditions be met is obligated to say something now It's a tricky area because like I said first of all, it's very emotional So when we have a situation that we're very reactive about we tend to sometimes act first think later And so this requires really Having somebody to ask a Shaila to really asking somebody who when we're asking a Shaila that has expertise in these types of areas to find That what to say how to say it who to say it to when to say it all those things should the answer be given that you know This is something that you have to say something about then we're then obligated to say something It's a little tricky sometimes certainly if we're talking about people who are offenders Because the halacha and the legal system are not necessarily in alignment with when to say something And so asking Shaila and depending on who the person is if they're like working in a school Let's say and there's a person who's at risk of harming kids So you know legal things obviously needs to be taken into account sometimes we're talking about something that doesn't have to do with children It's not something that's so sensitive And then finding out again what the halacha Grammifications are what the legal ramifications are and somebody who has expertise and understanding both of those obligations is very very important I think it's also true that for so many years a lot of issues were You know shoved under the rug and were ignored by society and so Nowadays we have this sort of boomerang situation where people are going overboard and accusing people that's maybe without Sufficient information or sufficient proof And so we've gone into the opposite extreme where you know people are very quick to say Lush and horror Which is not necessarily to us or accuse people and then that causes such a tremendous amount of damage And again, we always go back to this, you know when we talk about to else We're talking about helping protecting Lush and horror is constructive and it's not always easy This type of situation obviously that we're talking about today is very sensitive and it's very challenging But again, like I said if a person asks a shaila and finds out that they have to say something To prevent somebody from harm certainly is a valid to Alice and a person would be obligated To say the thing that needs to be said to protect people that need protection Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with us I'm self. I'll meet you back here tomorrow

Hello everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Tuesday the night they have hush fun today We're talking about warnings so we've been discussing different scenarios where a person might find themselves in that they need to say something negative about another Jew little else for constructive purpose and One of those is to warn somebody away from a bad influence now This might seem a little similar for yet to yesterday's clip because we talked yesterday about a different type of warning type of warning We talked about yesterday was prevention So there's a specific offender. That's a risk to the community or to a family And so then we also need to maybe get involved and warn and say something negative Here what we're talking about is a little bit more general where there's somebody who's just a bad influence spiritually and very often the way This would come up is a rabbi. Let's say talking to a student or even a parent talking to a child So it's not to say that adults can't get caught up in the wrong friend group and our arts is susceptible To people who are bad influences on them spiritually It's true is a little bit harder to talk to an adult and warn them away from a friend If it comes up where that would be appropriate and a person could say something and certainly that they should but it's not usually the case where a person has the opportunity and Just organically a way to bring that up with somebody else and warn them about a bad friend group that they're getting caught up in But certainly when it comes to a parent and a child or a teacher and a student The obligation of the parent the teacher whoever is in charge or involved in that child's life is to take care of the child And always so warning them away from unhealthy behaviors in general or unhealthy foods Certainly unhealthy influences and when let's say you have a rabbi who notices there Maybe their student were oving. He's getting caught up with shimon Shimon to bad influence so the rabbi would be obligated to step in and have a conversation with the oving The conversation would involve speaking negatively about shimon now two conditions that are very important here One is is that the rabbi's intentions are pure so usually we're talking about a teacher and a student That is the case or certainly parent and a child, but also there has to be no agenda in any way So if there's a situation maybe where The rabbi had a bad interaction with shimon's parents and really has some hard feelings towards the parents and is Projecting that negativity onto shimon and assuming that shimon's a bad influence just because he doesn't like the parents and obviously That's not necessarily pure intentions Maybe another teacher needs to have the conversation through oving or maybe the rabbi just needs to examine himself if really shimon's a bad influence Or if it's just his own Relationship with the parents that's you know getting involved here and is just you know interfering with his ability to see the situation clearly So whoever's doing the warning really does need to have that self-examination to make sure their intentions are pure And they're really trying to warn this child away from this friend who's potentially bad influence And then when the conversation happens obviously it needs to be introduced within the framework of the fact that this is a Conversation with to Alice. I'm only telling you this because I care about you and I need to warn you that this person is not good for you And obviously in any type of situation of to Alice we would introduce a topic with that, you know sort of You know that warning that this is what this conversation is But certainly when we're talking about a teacher and a student a teacher would never want let's say to have a conversation with a student We're with their warning somebody away from a bad influence And having that student take the lesson from the conversation that you're allowed to speak negatively about another Jew and so That would be really sad if that would be the sort of takeaway that a kid would have and so just letting that child know that this is a holistically acceptable conversation and I'm allowed to have this conversation and not that you have permission to speak negatively about people that you don't like is part and parcel of What the teacher or maybe even the parent is giving over in this type of scenario Which would definitely be a valid to ls something that would have come up That would be for constructive purpose and conversation that sometimes unfortunately has to be had anyways. That's it for today Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with us. I'm self. I'll meet you back here tomorrow

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Wednesday the 10th day of Reshwan today We're talking about group gifts So we're talking about various scenarios where person would be allowed to speak Lashon Har Latawela's for constructive purpose and one of those situations is in order to Get payment that somebody owes so sometimes you have a situation where there's some sort of a communal obligation to pay into something Example that's given here is in Israel when there's a vada by it So an apartment building where there's some sort of application to contribute to some kind of payment for Expenses or for maintenance, right? I don't know if that's once a month or once a year But sometimes what might happen is that the owner might post a list let's say in the lobby or Some place public where everybody in the building could see it of everybody who still owes now technically That's Lashon Harat But according to Raleigh Asha so long as everybody who bought into this apartment building was warned beforehand This is the process if you don't pay we post your name then Technically that's allowed now ideally the people who let's say own the building should really make sure that let's say somebody hasn't paid There isn't a good reason like maybe they had a SIM card. They're going through hard times or there's a you know some valid Situation that prevented them from paying in But so long as that's not the case just as a way of getting everybody to pay in and reminding everybody That technically would not be Lashon Harat Another example that occurred to me along the same lines is let's say there's some sort of a group gift So let's say a bunch of cousins decide that they're gonna buy Their grandmother birthday gift and they make a whatsapp chat called bubby's gift and everybody's obligated to pay in let's say 20 bucks Now this could be a very frustrating situation if you've ever been on the side of somebody who's trying to collect money Especially if you've laid it out already and then you're having to chase down everybody who said that they would give And people just you know, they forgot so you have this whatsapp chat and it could be that you would post on this chat Hey, honey, you didn't pay Yakov. You still didn't pay. Please tell me and that's a way of sort of reminding everybody Just to pay in now ideally what a person could do in that case is You know call the cousins directly who haven't paid in but that could be very challenging Especially if we're talking about a lot of cousins and if you've been that person who's laid out that money You know that this could be something that's challenging Another way to go about doing this where maybe you wouldn't be calling on somebody specifically But still getting the point across is to maybe post on the chat. Okay, here's everybody who paid in and if you're not on this list Please make sure that you sell me which is basically still doing the same thing But it's not just explicitly calling somebody out and so you're kind of avoiding just writing down the names of people Who are delinquent so it's just it's a little bit nicer and it's a little bit more of a refined way to Do that thing let people know that they haven't paid but not actually call somebody out and obviously in the same with this Let's say bubby's gift scenario as with the apartment building You'd have to set up a forehand and say listen We're just gonna bother everybody here on this chat because it's too hard to call people directly So just so you know if you're joining and you don't pay we're gonna we're gonna put it out there Or or some sort of a warning ahead of time So everybody knows what they're signing up for when they decide to participate in whatever the group payment is Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have wonderful day everybody with Hashem's help I will meet you back here tomorrow

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Thursday the 11th day of freshman today We're talking about performance reviews So we've been discussing various scenarios where a person would be allowed if not obligated to speak Lusian Harla to Alice to speak Lusian Harla for constructive purpose and one of those scenarios is in a professional capacity when there are performance reviews So certain professions have this baked in where there are regular reviews and that review means that people are going to be Discussing that employee and the person who takes a job understands that potentially there might be Lusian Harla spoken about them And so long as there's a valid to LS it would be permitted So let's say you have a situation where I used to be a teacher So my principal would come in twice a year and do a formal observation She would sit in she would watch and then I would sit down with her and talk about what I did Well, and then what needed to be improved now that scenario. There's no Lusian Harla involved She's just watching me and then talking to me about it But sometimes you have a situation where let's say there's a staff member that's assigned to be doing the observations And then goes back and reports the principal So they're now having the conversation about the teacher or maybe you have in a different type of profession where There's a report that's given to let's say a board or to some other supervisor and there's conversations that happen This is a valid to LS. However, it's very important if somebody's in that type of Profession or in that job environment where performance reviews are a regular part of the organization Just to be careful that a culture doesn't develop where people are just very casually talking about employees It's very casually talking about their colleagues Because sometimes that could happen in a situation where there are views that are sort of baked into the cake and they could just get used to talking about like I said colleagues or employees and Loose sight of the fact that the only reason why they're talking about that employee is for the to Alice The to Alice could be quality control. It could be to teach It could be to make sure let's say in a school that the curriculum is being followed Maybe in a hospital to make sure that you know safety protocols are followed and that the patients are safe and getting the medications that they need so These types of scenarios are very important But it doesn't mean that the laws of Lusian Harla go out the window and making sure that only the people who know Are finding out is part of the process as well So, you know like let's say in the olden days when I used to be a teacher the principal would sit down and she would you know In the classroom that she's observing and she would take notes maybe on a legal pad goes into her office Hands the pad to the secretary says can you type this up put it in your habits file? So does the secretary need to know this information? She's reading potentially negative information about a teacher and there's actually a difference of opinion about whether or not It's Lush and horror or for administrative purposes, you know, sometimes they need to find out So if you're in the situation and this is you I guess ask a child about how to Handle performance reviews and how they should go in a way that does not violate the laws of Lush and horror And again also just the danger is getting very casual and sort of losing sensitivity about discussing other people When we're in a situation where we sort of have to prefer for professional reasons I just had to I just had to fill out a survey About different people that I work with and it was you know There's a box for what could they be doing better? And so there's a way to handle that like I actually didn't have anything negative to say so I just wrote and hey But you know sometimes you have those types of situations where people are filling out a professional survey even and its employees Filling it out about their let's say bosses or you know You take a course and they ask you to fill out a review about the course You just took in what the presenter did right and did wrong and so it's understood that that's part of the system And it's part of ensuring, you know good service or good work But also, you know just being mindful that this is gonna be read by people and it's negative And it really has to fulfill that constructive purpose that let's say the survey or the review was aimed to fill Anyways, it's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with Lush and myself I'll meet you back here tomorrow

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Friday the 12th day of Khashban. Today we are talking about reviews. So we've been talking about categories or scenarios of conversation where a person would be allowed to speak Lush and Hard of the Toe while it's for constructive purpose. Yesterday we talked about performance reviews. So that's when at work somebody has a formal evaluation and then the people at that office now are discussing that evaluation that was yesterday. But somebody asked me this, what about just reviews in general? So I go to a restaurant, I go to my doctor, every business that I interact with pretty much, I have the ability to go somewhere on the internet and leave a review and let people know what I thought about that business and what I thought about that service. And is that allowed? So if it's just positive, then obviously yes, just five star review. A lot of times with these reviews, there's ratings and then there's comments. So you want to leave a five star review, you want to say something positive, wonderful. But what if your experience was not that great? Can you leave a review? So most of the time the answer is no, I'll give an exception. But generally speaking, first of all, a lot of times the review is an opinion. So let's say a doctor only spent a few minutes in the room or was very quick into the point and wasn't so warm and comforting and a person was really taken aback by his manner and she wants to leave a review like he terrible bedside manner. Or somebody went to a restaurant and the food was cold and the service was bad and they had a really bad night and they want to leave a review. Well, a lot of that is just very subjective. Somebody might appreciate the fact that the doctor is not going to waste my time. He's going to come in, he's going to get to the point. Don't need him to be my friend. I just want him to be a good doctor or somebody might like their soup cold. Somebody might not care or might have different tastes, I should say, about food. And so leaving an opinion that it was bad is really just giving an opinion. And these reviews really can cause a lot of damage to Parnosa for a business or for an individual. Also, a lot of times what happens is somebody has a bad experience, let's say with the restaurant where, let's say, service was slow. So they ordered their food, it took 45 minutes for it to come. They're so aggravated, they're so annoying. And a lot of times, by the way, when people are leaving these reviews, they're in a very emotional place. So they're upset and they're angry and they sometimes will type things out that maybe if they were calm the next day, they could sort of have a little bit more perspective about. But that's a side point. But so somebody had a bad experience like that where the service was late or maybe the doctor came in an hour and a half late to the appointment and somebody's sitting there waiting. That's just a snapshot maybe of that night. And it's not necessarily maybe representative of what it's usually like there. Like, could be two waiters canceled last minute and they're really scrambling or maybe the doctor had some sort of an emergency or he's trying to fit somebody in who's really sick. And so normally he's on time, but happens to be you got there the one day where things were really not running on schedule. And so just to go and then online give a review, you know, service is terrible. Not necessarily. It just could be that night. And so, again, we're talking about something where it could really damage a business and it isn't even necessarily true that whatever a person had experienced is going through representative of the general state of that business. Now, when I said that you could maybe post something if there's something that's really, really objective and I would certainly say ask a Shaila and what I mean by objective is let's say you had an interaction with a business where they stole from you, right? So that would be the kind of thing that you'd want to warn people about. But if it's anything where there's any slight possibility where we're just talking about a subjective experience or it's my opinion, then I would say to stay far away. Now, sometimes you have situations by the way where people ask so you buy something on Amazon, they say, how did we do or you know, you order something from Costco and they want you to rate their delivery guy. That you can answer because they're asking and they want to know. And so they're soliciting that information. Uber asks you to rate their driver, right? So that I think is a little bit more straightforward and they're soliciting it. They want to know it's for their quality control that you can answer. But to just on your own leave review, if we're talking about a Jewish business, generally speaking, it would not really be a valato alas. We'll talk maybe next week about when people ask you personally and we're not talking about online reviews and we'll get into that. Anyways, have a wonderful day. Have a wonderful Shabbos with Hashem's help. I will meet you back here on Sunday.

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Sunday, the 14th day of Reshwan, so Sunday is reserved for Q&A and feedback and I got a lot of comments and questions about some of the topics we talked about last week. The first was about getting paid. So you have situations where let's say there's a group gift and everybody is supposed to give $20 to get a gift for Bubby. And it can be very tricky because people just forget to pay or sometimes maybe they can't and they make a commitment, they're not able to pay. And a very good suggestion from my friend Ruhi was that when they do this kind of thing, what they have is one person who lays out the money and another person who's in charge of collecting the money. And this can alleviate not all the problems, but some of the problems that come up with regards to Shemir Salashon because what happens is is when somebody is gathering the money and they're laying it out, they're very annoyed and upset when people aren't paying promptly because obviously it's coming out of their pocket. And so the potential for let's say them speaking in Lushanhara to a family member, can you please tell your brother to pay? He hasn't paid. I laid out the money two weeks ago. I texted him three times. You know, that kind of Lushanhara or maybe calling somebody out on a family chat publicly would be, you know, an ounce of harm embarrassing somebody publicly is much higher. So if you have a second person who's in charge of collecting all the money and can maybe handle it a little bit more, I don't know, diplomatically or gracefully or privately, you know, calling everybody, you know, individually. So we're not calling somebody out, you know, somebody out on the chat. That sometimes could alleviate some of those issues. With regards to getting paid in general, what we had discussed about was a situation, let's say, where there's an understanding. The example that was given in a safer was if there's a Vata buy it like in an apartment building where everybody's meant to contribute for maintenance and people who haven't paid. The list is posted in the lobby. Now the reason why that would be permitted is because it's an understanding going into getting an apartment in that building that this is the system. Everybody pays. Everybody who doesn't pay pays gets listed. And also there's a communal aspect where everybody needs everybody else to pay so that they could pay, let's say, for maintenance. Somebody had asked me about just using this method of posting, let's say, who hasn't paid for a service. They have a business. It's hard to get people to pay sometimes. That, you know, doesn't translate because anybody who has a business knows that sometimes you have to chase your customers down and it's challenging in any aspect of, you know, sort of monetary issues that come up with regards to business, with tuition, you know, so people just sometimes don't pay and then somebody has to kind of chase them down and people have to chase down their customers and publicly embarrassing somebody or calling somebody out usually is not going to be something that is holochically acceptable. If somebody has a really egregious situation, then they should ask a post-it about how to deal with it and sometimes it would be permitted maybe to go speak to somebody else, a third party so that that would maybe potentially be Lush and Harlow to Alice for constructive purpose if that person could help somebody get paid and then that would be a valid to Alice. But just to call somebody out who hasn't paid or embarrassing somebody publicly, unless it is that very specific situation that a post-it has said this is okay in this particular scenario like with the Vata buy it, that would, you know, that would not be acceptable to do that. Another thing that we talked about is with recommendation. So I said sometimes a company asks you for their recommendation, your rate our service, leave a comment and somebody had asked about Amazon reviews. So I think that maybe just to clarify what I had said is that last week when the company is asking you for review, you can give them your feedback if they're interested in quality control. So long as that's internal. And that's the thing that I didn't maybe say is clearly as I should have last week if you're if your comment is going to be posted publicly, let's say on Amazon. You bought a product, they asked you for a rating, they asked you how did we do they leave room for comment, it's getting posted on the Amazon website. And we're talking obviously about a Jewish owned business. And sometimes we don't know, obviously, who owns the business, we're buying just like some random product. So when in doubt, just, you know, maybe assume like what would I do if it was a Jewish owned business. That's when it becomes a little bit of a problem because if you're leaving a negative review, it could really harm somebody and it could harm that business. So if it's an internal thing, and they want a rating, or they want to know, fine, if it's something that's going to be posted publicly, where other people are going to be able to see that comment, and a person should really avoid giving those negative reviews. A lot of times with these types of situations, certainly I think with Amazon, with other products, if there's something that goes wrong, there's usually an option to contact the company directly. And that's, you know, very often a better way to handle that situation. And maybe this week, I got so many questions about this also will handle the topic of giving recommendations when people ask you for recommendations for people who've done work for you, or businesses that you've interacted with. And then also, when you know that let's say a business that you've interacted with was problematic, warning people, and letting them know what your experience was with that business. Obviously, there's tremendous shmure solutions, shmure solution implications for that. And so we'll try to get into that. I just want to tell you also, as I've rolled out that call in number for those listening and call in, just so that you know, clips go up usually before seven, but I would say safely by eight daily clips are up. Today's clip Sunday is going a little later. So Sunday, usually I could say safely before 10 usually the clip goes out on Sunday, out on Sunday, there's not always a Sunday clip though. So Sunday clips only with Q&A go out if there is actually questions and feedback that I want to address on Sunday. So definitely encourage everybody to message me, ask me questions, send me feedback and for people on the call in, I think you could press three to leave a message or two. I don't know, there's there's a prompt there. And I will get the message or the the question from the call in. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody. With Hashem's help. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Monday the 15th day of Reshpan. Today we are talking about asking for and giving recommendations. So we're going through various scenarios where a person would be speaking L'Shanhara la Toela, speaking L'Shanhara for constructive purpose. And certainly when it comes to recommendations, this is a valid Toela's, and there's two sides to the conversation. So a person has a lot of ask for recommendation, and if a person has just, let's say, done work with somebody. So somebody needs, I don't know, they're doing construction in their home and they go over to their friend who just did work and they say, I want to ask you about Yaakov Schwartz. I know he was your contractor. We're about to start work. Can I ask you for just some details about how the job went? So the person on the receiving end of course is allowed to talk and give that recommendation or maybe not give a recommendation. A few things that I just want to talk about here. So first of all, there are seven conditions that exist where a person is allowed to speak L'Shanhara la Toela's. And this conversation needs to follow those rules and those conditions, which we are going to get into soon in mid to Shem. But obviously, like any other conversational Toela's, it needs to be very purposeful and specific and it has to be set up. So I'm asking because we're doing construction, let's say we're starting our construction in a few months and I'm just trying to hire a contractor. That's a very specific need and there's a reason. It's not just obviously open-ended. It's not just gossip. It's not just, oh, we're thinking about doing construction one day down the road. And I'm just trying to get a sense of who's good and who's not good. That's not really valid Toela's when it actually is lemaissa that a person is doing the construction or about to start and is looking to hire somebody. That's when it becomes really a constructive conversation. What's very important about these types of conversations, any type of recommendation for anything is really to isolate the objective and the subjective. So a lot of times somebody's unhappy with somebody's work because it's their own, let's say standard or it's their own, let's say, either taste or the way that they like to work is a very specific kind of way. And it doesn't necessarily translate into a recommendation for somebody else. So let's say somebody's looking to hire a painter and they didn't like the painter because the painter wasn't meticulous. But for somebody else, maybe they're not so meticulous. They care more about how expensive was he. And so it's really important to when you're asking to isolate that out and to recognize when the person's giving your recommendation, you know, what is just their subjective experience and what is the sort of objective reality of that person? Or maybe the things that might or might not bother me for the person giving that recommendation. It's also important to say, you know, like for me, the fact that he wasn't on schedule was really challenging because my job didn't allow me to be flexible. Somebody else might be totally fine, you know, if somebody's flexible and and they're able to kind of go with the flow. And so really being able to articulate out what is subjective and what is not is very crucial. Objectively, there are certain things. Let's say a person was dishonest, they stole their worker stole. That's the kind of thing where, you know, it's it's not a matter of taste. And if a person, let's say, sees that somebody else is hiring somebody who objectively is problematic, they would probably be required to proactively go over and talk to them, even without that person having asked for a recommendation. Obviously, in that situation, ask a child about what to say and how to say it. But certainly if there's something that's very objective, like a person is going to be harmed, stolen from, you know, something like that, then, you know, we would definitely want to speak up and have that conversation with us. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day, everybody with Hashem's help. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Tuesday the 16th day of Qashvan. Today we are talking about digital recommendations. So we've been discussing giving recommendations under sort of the broader topic of speaking Lashenar or Lato Ellis, speaking Lashenar for constructive purpose. And certainly if a person needs a recommendation, that is a valid to Ellis. And like we said yesterday, we have two sides to this equation. We have the person who's asking for the recommendation and the person who's giving the recommendation. Now, very often recommendations are given word of mouth. And what that means in a digital age is online chats or some kind of online forum that a person has access to, which can be an incredible resource. A WhatsApp chat, let's say, a community chat. If somebody needs to, let's say, get a recommendation for a I don't know, a dry cleaner, a plumber, a handyman, or somebody to do construction, a caterer. These are an incredible resource for people, especially if you've just moved into community and you don't know who all the people are who do work in that community. It's really an incredible thing to have a community WhatsApp chat. Obviously also tremendous opportunity for Lashenar. And so the first thing that a person who's asking for recommendation on a public chat should do is always add on a call to private message. So looking for caterer for my Sounds Bar Mitzvah. If anybody has any experience with good caterers in the neighborhood, please private message me. It's always a good idea to avoid posting a name on a chat because there could be all sorts of downstream consequences even if it's a positive recommendation. We have this halacha in the laws of Lashenar that a person shouldn't overly praise somebody because when somebody overly praises somebody, there will be somebody sometimes in the crowd with a knee-jerk response who wants to contradict that. And sometimes what happens on a chat is that very same dynamic where somebody will say looking for caterer for my Sounds Bar Mitzvah, somebody posts, use Ruvane Shorts caterers, he was amazing. Okay, so that's a positive statement. It's not in any way Lashenar about Ruvane Shorts. But what could happen is somebody can then post, actually we used him and he wasn't that great and the food was cold and the service wasn't good. Okay, so now that person just said public Lashenar and then what happens sometimes on chats is it gets even worse because somebody will then go and post, please use this chat for positive purposes only and post that publicly. So now that second person or third person who just posted just called out that first person embarrassed that person publicly and very often it could just get very, very messy and tricky on these chats. So, you know, certainly if somebody's hosting a chat as an admin, they should be posting regular community notifications that feel free to use this chat for asking for recommendations, but recommendations should only be given privately or ask people to private message you. Aside from just the Lashenar aspect of it, there's also announced environment implications. So let's say somebody posts use Ruvane Shorts caterers, he was amazing and Shimon is on the chat and he's a caterer and he's hurt because why didn't anybody recommend him? Or even worse, maybe Shimon's wife is on the chat and she's all upset. Maybe this is her friend, why didn't her friend recommend her husband? You know, so there's just a lot of tricky things that happens when people say people's names out loud. And again, you want to be able to access the people in your community who know professionals and get good recommendations or even access people who maybe have had bad experiences and could warn you away from certain people. But it really needs to be done in a way as to avoid anybody else hearing or getting involved in Lashenar because they don't need to hear public embarrassment, Shmir Salashenar implications or ask environment implications and just keep it to the Toa'ala's conversation that it needs to be. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with Hashem's help. I will meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello, everybody. Welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Wednesday, the 17th day of Khashban. We've spent a lot of time talking about situations where a person is allowed to speak Lashanar with Toela's, speak Lashanar for constructive purpose. Now I want to talk about some scenarios where a person is not allowed to speak Lashanar with Toela's. So obviously these are situations where maybe a person might think that it's okay or a situation might present themselves where a person might be inclined to say something but they need to stop and realize that maybe they should sit this one out. And one of those situations is if a person is getting up and publicizing somebody else's wrongdoing or maybe a community's wrongdoing, they will say you know, everybody should stay away from this community because they fight a lot. They're Bali Machlokas here in this community and people just don't get along. Now assuming that their intentions are to warn people and maybe they've talked to even Arav or Poseik to ask about, let's say, the behavior in this community. If they should publicize it, the Rav maybe not knowing this condition that I'm about to tell you says, yes, you know, you want to warn people, you want to let people know about this. But the problem here is that the speaker himself is guilty of the sin that he wants to publicize, meaning he creates Machlokas. He has a lot of Machlokas in his own life. He doesn't get along with people. In that case, a person who is doing the sin that he wants to publicize is not allowed to go ahead and say publicly. It needs to be somebody else, right? So let's say somebody's talking about, I don't know, Yeshiva where everybody's drinking and they think that the behavior is not appropriate. And so they asked a Ravana, they said, yeah, you should warn parents to stay away from Yeshiva. If that person themselves drinks a lot, then it would be questionable whether he should be the person who let's say, and not the drinking is a sin, right? But let's say there's a behavior that comes out of that drinking. But that person maybe should ask if they should be the one to speak about it. Now, it could be sometimes you have a situation where let's say somebody's struggling, let's say themselves with some sort of addiction and they notice that same addiction and somebody else and because they have that addiction and they're actively struggling with it, they notice somebody else struggling and they want to, let's say, go to a teacher or parent of that person and say, listen, I recognize the signs. I think you need to get this person help. That, of course, is totally fine. But we're talking more about a situation that on the surface would seem a little bit more for the public good where a person is getting up and denouncing somebody. And there are certainly circumstances where that would be permitted to warn people about a sin or to warn people away from a group of people. However, the principle is the same if that person who's speaking is struggling themselves, then you know, he's somewhat compromised by that. And this obviously is certain, you know, a hypocrisy. I don't like the word hypocrisy because it's a hard, heavy word. Everybody struggles, but certainly maybe they should get somebody else if it really is necessary for that kind of thing to happen. And like I said, there's dust or that says that this person or institution should be called out. It really should be somebody, I guess, whose hands are technically or mostly clean. Anyway, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with Hashem's help. I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Thursday the 18th day of Khashbaan today We're talking about Seeing into the future So we're talking about scenarios or situations where a person is not allowed to speak Lush and Harla Tawala So they're not allowed to speak Lush and Harla for constructive purpose And one of those is when the consequences are going to be much worse than the Halacha would allow So let's say for example somebody calls me up and they have a question about a Shadah So I happen to know the girl that they're asking about very well All the conditions of Tawala's really line up except for this one And this one is is that I think this person is going to take this information and not be responsible with it So normally if somebody asks me Let's say questions about a girl for Shadah in this scenario It could be obviously any other type of valid Tawala's So I'm allowed to give over the information that they're asking and that person's obligation is they could be suspicious They could act on that information meaning they could decide to say no the Shadah But they're not allowed to accept this fact that it's true But if I know this person who's asking me and I think that they're gonna accept this fact that it's true And not only they can accept this fact that it's true because really the truth is if they accept it That's their problem But if they act on it then that becomes my problem if I could have foreseen it right So if they are gonna let's say now go and bat a mouth this girl and and ruin her reputation They're gonna take some sort of an action That's beyond just maybe saying no to the Shadah and protecting themselves and they're gonna do things that are really going to be Damaging and again I have to be able to sort of anticipate this if I know this person if I have a sense that this is what they're gonna do That they're they gossip a lot that they don't know the laws of Lush and Harrah Then I would not be allowed even if all the other conditions of Tawala's line up to go ahead and tell them And I think that these kinds of ideas when we talk about them with regards to Shemar Sholashon are very powerful meaning the obligation to sort of See into the future a little bit or Understand and know the people that we're talking to and try to be able to anticipate and we don't always know like I get random calls all the time for Shadah from people You know that I never met and they're calling to ask about You know some somebody in my community or maybe one of my husband's tell me them or something like that So of course that happens and in that case, you know, we just assume that it's a good faith conversation But sometimes you do have a situation where you're warning somebody that you know about something and like I said can be not just a Shadah any other valid to Alice and you do have a sense of that person that They tend to gossip a lot or there are a little bit of a hothead and they get worked up about something Especially if it's an emotional subject and the damage Let's say to the reputation of the person that you're speaking about is gonna be great Or there's some other action that's gonna be taken that's gonna be beyond the bounds of what would be allowed by Halacha So we really do have to try to the best of our ability to anticipate that and to maybe Either not give over the information or find out, you know Ask a child about what we'd be allowed to say in that scenario. Anyways, it's it for today Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day everybody with Hashem Sop. I'll meet you back here tomorrow

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Friday the 19th day of Reshwan today We're talking about revents. So we've been talking about situations where a person is not allowed to speak Lushan Har le Toala So they're not allowed to speak Lushan Har for constructive purpose And these are scenarios where a person might normally think that they would be allowed to or they would be obligated to say something that they know and one of those situations is if a person is personally hurt or injured by the person that they are speaking about and so sometimes it happens where You know a person I don't know Let's say somebody comes and asks me about Isheva that my son went to but my son just had a really bad experience Maybe he was even kicked out and I'm really mad at the Isheva And so somebody wants to come over and ask me like hey, how how is that Isheva? I'm thinking about sending my son there. Well if my son just got kicked out of Isheva You know my emotions might be high and my responses might not be measured and My own personal animosity is going to color the things that I say and so even though let's say I have all the information and I know for facts and things are true, but that personal Anger and that personal sense of grievance is going to make it so that the things that I say are not going to be entirely Rational they'll be colored by my experience Let me give you another example of maybe how this would play out. Let's say I have a son in Shadokim and I look into a girl and I do tons of research and I'm really excited about the Shadok and I give a yes and then They come back with a no. Okay, and that happens sometimes So, you know, that's not necessarily a sense of grievance, but let's say for whatever reason in this fictional scenario I'm really upset about the no and I take it personally and I had a lot of my hopes pinned on the Shadok and Maybe I even find out a reason why they said no and I think it's totally not valid Or I'm very insulted by the reason that they said no and then somebody else calls me up and says listen I know you did a lot of research into this girl. She was just read to my son Can I ask you about her? so that would be a great example of a situation where I'm very personally offended and Maybe emotionally I should sit this one out for emotional reasons I should say I should sit this one out and accuse myself because Of my own personal heart. So in this situation, the right thing to do is to maybe say listen Here are the references that I called and here's here are the people who told me about this girl that you should maybe call I don't know if I'm really the right person to be able to give over this information because normally a person is a lot of give over secondhand information if it's verified and it's true in all the conditions the other conditions of Toa'la's lineup, but in the case where a person feels somewhat personally injured or I'm taking it even a step further. Maybe I heard that this mother talking about my son Again fictional example, and I've heard her say negative things about why she said no to the shit off And so now I know that the mother of this girl said less and hard about me I'm even more upset and angry And so I really need to recognize my own emotional state when there's a situation where otherwise it would be a valetuelas and if that emotional state is such that it's going to color my Impressions or my feelings and I'm compromised that I would not be allowed to give over information Even for Toa'la's anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day Have a wonderful Shabbat Shabbat Shabbat Shabbat. I'll meet you back here next week

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Monday, the 22nd day of Khashbanat today. We are finally getting into the seven conditions of speaking Lashon Harla Tawailas. We've been talking about scenarios where it would come up that a person would be allowed to give over negative information for constructive purposes. We also talked about some scenarios where you're not allowed to do that. And now we're finally going to get into what those seven conditions are and they all need to be in place before we speak Lashon Harla Tawailas. Now what I want to do with these seven conditions is not just talk about the halachos, but also talk about how each one of these conditions is really a window into how to interact with people and their really good relational guide. So maybe we'll get into that a little bit more tomorrow, but for today, just to talk about condition number one. The first condition is that if I give over information, I have to know for a fact that it's true. So it's not an opinion. I'm not editorializing. I'm not giving my thoughts about something. I'm just identifying facts or I'm recognizing if I know facts or if I don't know the facts, then I obviously can't give over that information. So somebody calls me up for questions about a shidah. I know the girl. She's best friends with my daughter. I saw her growing up and I have information and I know for a fact that it's true. I can give that over. Now you can also give over information secondhand as long as it's reliably secondhand. So let's say, for example, my son was read to a girl and I did a ton of research about her. That's really good research and a friend of mine calls me up, at least they didn't work out with my son, but my friend calls me up. She also has a son and she says, look, I know you're someone out with this girl. Can I just ask you about some of the people that you spoke to and some information that you found out about now? Obviously, we've talked about this exact scenario last week. If it ended badly, let's say the girl said no and I'm upset and I'm emotionally charged, I would maybe have to not give over that information because I'm upset. And so I won't be able to clearly see what the facts are and separate those out from my emotional response to this girl. So we're talking about just knowing facts firsthand, reliably secondhand and giving those facts over without any type of commentary as much as possible. Now, one of the things though that a person is allowed to give over in certain situations is actually hearsay. So hearsay is I heard this thing happen. I heard a rumor and I think that you should maybe do a little research about this. And that's when it comes to a situation where we're protecting somebody from harm and a situation is dangerous enough that I need to warn somebody about something. And like I said, I don't know for sure, so I have to qualify and say that it's hearsay. But a very good example of this is the case of actually Tsongadalia where people warned the governor that people were plotting against him and he did not take any action. Now, you'd still would not be allowed to accept this fact that it's true, but obviously one is allowed to protect themselves, which Tsongadalia did not do. He dismissed it. He was killed. We have a fast day called Tsongadalia because of it. So hearsay obviously needs to be framed in that way that this is hearsay, but it's a warning. Please do research and a person should not stand on that. I was going to say stand on the ceremony. That's not really the right word, but they should not because it's flesh and horror because it's hearsay, not do the research or do the things that they need to protect themselves, their family or whoever else is involved. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening. Have a wonderful day, everybody. With Hashem's help, I'll meet you back here tomorrow.

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Tuesday the 24th day of Hashvan today We're talking about what's really going on So we're talking about how the seven conditions of speaking Lashinahar of the Toalas speaking Lashinahar for constructive purpose Really are a guideline to having healthy relationships now I just want to say as an aside for anybody who's listening on the calling line stay on the line to hear yesterday's and Monday's I had a hard time uploading. So hopefully you'll be able to hear it today And yesterday we talked about the halacha of the first condition of Toalas Which is that a person needs to know before they say something negative about somebody for constructive purpose They need to know for a fact that that information is true either first-hand or reliably second-hand Now what that means is that they don't editorialize or they recognize the fact that maybe if they're too emotionally connected They're not really able to give over the facts because of course their emotional state is going to color Whatever the actual facts of what's going on and I think this is such a good rule of thumb for having healthy relationships Because so often when we let they have a conflict or upset about something it doesn't have to do with the facts of what's going on It has to do with a thousand other things first and foremost Our emotional reaction to whatever it is that happened, but it could be other things also like maybe we Didn't get enough sleep or we're hungry or we got into a fight with our office with somebody at our office So then let's say a woman comes home and she got into a fight with somebody at work And she's upset and she sees when she walks in the door that her husband still did not do some task that she asked him 20 times to do and so she gets upset and they get into a fight and really Didn't necessarily have as much to do with the fact that her husband didn't do the thing as much as it had to do with The fact that she was upset and so the facts of the story are not necessarily that her husband as she's yelling at him about the Thing he didn't do it's not so much about the fact that he didn't do that, right? I mean she could be legitimately, you know that she wants to get that thing done but it really has to do with a Place that she's in and again sometimes it could even be that there's an emotional response to what happened So maybe she sees the job that didn't get done and she feels you know My husband never listens to me and he's totally not responsive and so she's upset about that She's not necessarily so much upset about whatever the job that needs to happen is so when a person can engage in that exercise When some things going on and separate out What is the facts of the situation and how do I feel about those facts and deal with each of those as two separate issues? So if a woman's upset that her husband's not responsive That's something that they need to resolve and they need to work on maybe their relationship or their communication Or how much they prioritize each other's needs if she's just thinking about okay This job actually didn't get done as a separate problem Then she could without emotion without getting to fight about it. Maybe just think of a solution Okay, maybe my husband just can't do this. I need to hire somebody or maybe the answers I just need to do it myself But either way confusing what the facts are with how we feel about those facts or maybe some of the other Things that are going into our emotional state with regards to how we react to those facts Make it so that conflict is much more likely and it gets very confusing and like I demonstrated in that example It's harder than to sometimes just find a solution to a practical problem that maybe has a very simple answer to so That's just a guideline from the first and as we go through all these seven conditions We'll talk about the halacha and then again the sort of like relational lesson that we can learn out from that halacha So that's it for today. Have a wonderful day everybody with a chance help. I'll meet you back here tomorrow

Hello everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. It is Wednesday the 25th day of Cheshvon today We are talking about condition number two so we're going through the seven conditions that need to be in place before a person speaks Lushan Harav for constructive purpose they'll tell us and yesterday we talked about condition number one yesterday and the day before and Condition number one is that we have to know for a fact either first-hand or reliably second-hand that the information that we're giving over is true Condition number two requires us to take that information that we know for a fact is true and to put it into context to think about it and to Examine that information and not just give it over as maybe like a dry detail because very often there is a much bigger picture That's going on here. So let me give you an example of what I mean. Let's say I'm a principal of a school and I have a teacher named Sarah who worked for me Sarah and her family moved out of town She applied for another job and the principal of that other school calls me for reference now This is a very valid to Alice the person teacher certainly is not only allowed to but she should be calling me to find out about her teacher Potential teacher that she's hiring. I'm allowed to talk to her and give her over information But let's say in the conversation the principal says to me listen one of the things we're real sticklers about is punctuality We really really take being on time very seriously here. We don't want our kids unsupervised when they get dropped off Can you tell me what Sarah's attendance record was like and also if she was punctual and came to school on time for work So I open up my computer teacher sign in I could see very clearly how many times she was late and how many absences And I see that actually last year she missed quite a bit of school And she was late a lot and now it's all coming back to me I remember how annoying it was that we had to scramble look for subs at the last minute And it was hard because her class was unsupervised sometimes for the first few minutes of the day And so these are all facts that I have access to it's computerized Sarah had to sign in with her, you know key card And I could give over those facts to this other teacher if it was just a dry fact without a context So putting those facts into context or thinking about the big picture Let's say for example, sarah was dealing with a very difficult pregnancy last year And so she was very sick in the morning and she Is really very responsible because really what the teacher's the other principal is asking is is sarah responsible If I would just look at the facts and give over those facts It would seem like she isn't if I put those facts into context that she was dealing with a difficult pregnancy She was sick the doctor had wanted to go on bed rest for one week and it was very last minute We didn't get a chance to prepare so It it actually puts those facts in completely different light and it even though she was late It obviously doesn't speak at all to the question that the principal is asking Which is is sarah responsible and that is the most important thing that needs to be given over here Not just the dry facts of how many times she came late and how many times she called and sick So sometimes you have a situation or context that totally changes a person's impression of a detail Or even just how a person might judge something So let's say you have a community where it's very culturally acceptable In fact, it's understood that everybody comes late So you call an event for eight o'clock eight's like kind of a suggestion It's an idea of when we'd like to think about starting Everybody knows nothing's getting started till at least nine o'clock 9 30 So you have somebody from a community where eight o'clock means eight o'clock and if you come in 805 You're being rude to the host and they're a visitor in this community where everybody comes in late It's very easy for that person to have a very negative impression and say listen Somebody walked in most of the people just didn't even bother showing up to nine to so disrespectful to those It's it's so not okay, you know such bad me dose But the reality is is that it's not bad me does in that community It's just sort of understood and it's not something that maybe is disrespectful at all But for somebody in a community where everybody really does show up on time And people are expecting events to begin when they're meant to begin Yeah, it is rude to show up an hour and a half late And so the big picture in the context really matters when a person Is seeing something is judging something and that of course ultimately is giving over that information to somebody in a conversation That is uh, it's a loss. Anyways, that's it for today. Thank you all so much for listening Have a wonderful day everybody that's themselves. I'll meet you back here tomorrow