My Son Says He Might Not Stay Frum. What Should I Do?

What’s said in this shiur

The opening of this shiur, in Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky’s own words — taken from the captions, so names and Hebrew terms may be approximate.

Hi, this is Rabbi Elefant with our question and answer series. This is a tough one. Anonymous asks, "My son who is turning 18 tells me he doesn't know if he will be firm when he leaves our home. He says he is not sure it will work for him. What can I respond as a mother? The son is not in Yeshiva, has learning issues, and is working." Okay. This is very hard. Very hard. Because as parents, we want our children to get our values. And we have expectations. It's a well-known secret that kind of experts are usually make mistakes when it comes to their own children because I can tell you what to do. But when it's my kid, I have expectations. Because I see myself in that kid. And so you have a parent who says to a kid, "You'll go to Yeshiva and make it in learning cuz I never did." That's not the right approach. And so therefore, we have created a society where if somebody does not make it in learning, they are cast off. And this is one of the greatest tragedies of modern life. And I hear from girls they say, "Why can't I just find a nice boy like my father or from balabos?" Why? Because we've created a system where there's no such a thing as a good balabos. Balabos is a fake. Fake. Only a guy who's in learning is worth anything. So when a person can't make it in learning, doesn't matter what else he does. He's a failure. And Klauss will make it clear, "We have no use for you. We'll take your money, but we have no respect for you." I remember when I met Rabbi Kailash from Waterbury the first time, he said to me, "I took to high school a rebbe. Rebbe him around around America."

Jump to a moment

1. 0:00Hi, this is Rabbi Elefant with our question and answer series. This is a tough one.…
2. 0:32to get our values. And we have expectations. It's a well-known secret that kind of experts…
3. 1:03And so therefore, we have created a society where if somebody does not make it in…
4. 1:34Only a guy who's in learning is worth anything. So when a person can't make it…
5. 2:05And I said, "Do you love your talmidim?" And they said, "Of course." And I said,…
6. 2:39If it was me in charge, I would have said, "Listen, guys, at least put on…
7. 3:10Rabbi Ordentlich once said, "Children are not nachas machines. They're not there to give me nachas.…
8. 3:40Your son is disrespected by a society that doesn't appreciate that he has what to contribute.…
9. 4:10can fake that, the rest is easy." I say the same thing. We have to work…
10. 4:41she called up Rabbi Bulman and she said, "Rebbi, I want to come home." And Rabbi…

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