The Best Shidduch Question NOBODY Asks | Shidduch Series #3

What’s said in this shiur

The opening of this shiur, in Rabbi Efrem Goldberg’s own words — taken from the captions, so names and Hebrew terms may be approximate.

I get a lot of phone calls about shidduchim, a lot of questions, but there's one question I'm almost never asked on a shidduch call. And it predicts a healthy marriage better than almost anything else on the list. People ask about looks, they ask about money, family, learning, hashkafa, all the usual boxes, and they're important. There's nothing wrong with asking to find [music] out. But I'm going to show you from the Torah and from modern research the one trait that matters more than all of it. And how to spot it in someone else, and And how to spot it in someone else, and how to build it in yourself. The most important quality to look for in a spouse, and to have in yourself, is the capacity to be open to influence. [music] The ability to listen, to let another person actually help mold and shape you. Dr. John Gottman studied couples for decades. Just by watching how they handle >> [music] >> a disagreement, he could predict divorce within 15 years with over 90% accuracy. And this is what he says, "When one And this is what he says, "When one partner refused to accept influence, [music] always had to be right, always in control, he found there was an 81% chance the marriage would fail." Let me say that again. When a couple, when a party in the couple was not open to influence, always had to be right, was a finished product, was done, he found that marriage would fail 81% of the times. [music] It's couples where both partners let themselves be shaped by the other far more stable, far happier.

Jump to a moment

1. 0:00I get a lot of phone calls about shidduchim, a lot of questions, but there's one…
2. 0:31And how to spot it in someone else, and how to build it in yourself. The…
3. 1:02And this is what he says, "When one partner refused to accept influence, [music] always had…
4. 1:33more stable, far happier. That trait isn't compromise like it's some chore, it's the life capacity…
5. 2:05become. Nidom ashem sofo. He's judged not for what he's done, but for what he's going…
6. 3:07wrongdoing. It's one thing. Look at what the Torah says about the wayward son. Again and…
7. 3:39can't change. His future is sealed because he's not open to influence. The great Rabbeinu Yonah…
8. 4:10with the door shut. That is what makes the wayward son so hopeless. [music] Not the…
9. 4:41right, ask if they can say, "You may be right. Let's think about it." And just…
10. 5:12need to be that, too. Chazal tell us the wayward son never actually happened and never…

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