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The Yanuka’s own words in this shiur, translated into English by Lehallel · 4,709 words · 20:42. Press a time to hear it said.
0:10 Truly, I prayed to the Creator of the world. I said to Him, look, Creator of the world, You know that I have been searching for tzaddikim for a long time, I want someone who will be a figure for me, whom I will live with, someone who can truly bring down to me the service of Hashem in practice - in serving Hashem, in thought, speech and action, that I will know how to go with it, with clarity. Afterward he gave a shiur, a wonder of wonders - it would not be believed if it were told, but afterward, when I heard the shiur, I took it from the place that this is G-dly light, this is not genius, this is G-dly light.
0:42 It hurts me now - while I'm speaking with the Rav, [unclear] - it's like knives. My name is Yaakov Yisrael Atiya, I live in Jerusalem, for many years - what is 'many'? You know what - ten, 12 years? searching - everyone, I'm sure, is searching for some great figure, after all, we grew up in homes of bnei Torah, from age zero we grew up on stories of tzaddikim, in the Gemara, in the Mishnah, and also about tzaddikim of our generation, and of past generations.
1:11 We fell asleep with it and we woke up with it, and we thought about it a lot. And I searched. I searched on my own, and Hashem granted me to find quite a few tzaddikim, in Jerusalem, in Bnei Brak - I used to go around. Personally, I was very connected to a tzaddik called Rav Asher Freund - whoever knows him - he was a famous tzaddik here in Jerusalem. A tzaddik whose words I love very much, I love his style. A Jew who spoke openly about serving Hashem, very, very clearly and lucidly; he had a complete path in serving Hashem. He had a group, which today [unclear], and in it there are many great students of his, with whom I am still connected to this day, and in general it was a path that took hold of me very, very much. There was another tzaddik, like Rabbi Yehuda Zev Leibowitz,
1:50 also a tzaddik from Bnei Brak, whose figure I connected to very much, in a wondrous way. There were also tzaddikim of past generations whom I did not know at all, like Rabbi [unclear], to whom I also had a very personal connection, to this figure. Tzaddikim like the Baba Sali - all these things would stand in my mind. And they always - they would accompany me, and I would think about them during the day. And that's how I rolled along, [unclear]. Then I was a rebbe in a yeshivah, a melamed in a Talmud Torah, and so as a melamed in a Talmud Torah - a melamed in Tel Tzion.
2:21 There was a Talmud Torah there called HaMesilah. Today it is called [unclear] Darkei Moshe. One of the melamdim, who had heard about the Yanuka, about Rabbi Shlomo Yehuda, told me once - about a year and a half ago, more, two years ago - told me that there is a tzaddik - he knows that I love such talks, I love that. He says to me, listen, you want a tzaddik? There is a tzaddik called Rav Shlomo Yehuda. Young, thirty years old - that's what he told me then, that he truly - the whole Torah entirely - a world-class genius, knows from all the ends of the earth, the world and all it contains, everything on the tip of his tongue. A world-class genius, the likes of whom there has not been.
3:00 The truth is that he told me this - I confess and say - I was not taken by it, because that is not what I was looking for. I was actually not looking for genius. Because geniuses - I had seen. And also, what would I do with that? I'm not a genius. So okay, I would hear about such a tzaddik - either it would break me, or it would distance me from him, because I'm not like that. So no, it didn't take hold of me. He says to me, no, you need to understand, this is the whole Torah.
Read the whole shiur in English (38 more parts)
3:25 Truly - Torah: I, baruch Hashem, merit to sit in the tent of Torah, but that is not what I was looking for. Not that, Heaven forbid, I wasn't looking for Torah, but I was looking for Torah that comes with a layer - what the Baal Shem Tov taught us - the inner matter of the Torah, the light of the Torah. And that he did not tell me, so I pushed this information aside. A few more weeks passed; he says to me, listen, there's a shiur in...
3:50 I didn't go, and he went. When he came back from there, he came back very enthusiastic, and again it didn't take hold of me. And then one of the times he really told me, you must go to him, you must go to him. I really don't know why, about someone who isn't... Truly it didn't take hold of me, but for some reason I had this - this thing in my heart, this feeling: go, Yankie, go, go to the shiur. A shiur in Rishon LeZion. I said, yalla - there was a shuttle from Neve Yaakov - I said, yalla, let's go.
4:16 Truly, I went without any specific goal - certainly not what I had searched for so much, to find a tzaddik. I didn't imagine that this would be my tzaddik. It was more, truly, maybe also to marvel at genius - that is also a wonderful thing, why not? And to hear someone who speaks Torah with such power - that's something I would also want to see. So I went. I went truly with an open mind, without many thoughts, this way or that - I just went.
4:43 But truly, I prayed to the Creator of the world, I said to Him, look, Creator of the world, You know that I have been searching for tzaddikim for a long time, I want someone who will be a figure for me, whom I will live with, someone who can truly bring down to me the service of Hashem in practice - in serving Hashem, in thought, speech and action, that I will know how to go with it, with clarity. And the tzaddikim I had known passed away 12 years ago, 10 years, 15 years. [unclear], and I...
5:08 Find me someone. But - this is how it is in my heart; maybe it's funny, maybe it's not accepted - but I spoke with the Holy One, blessed be He, as they say, in the most open way. I said to Him, Holy One, blessed be He, You know that I connected to a certain path. This is certain - I connected to the path of the holy Baal Shem Tov, I don't want to change paths. It took hold of me very much, and it holds me in everything. If this tzaddik is connected to the Baal Shem Tov, connected to the path, connected to the more inner things, I'm connected.
5:36 If not, it may be that he is a great tzaddik, but I'm not changing. I'm not going to make another change now. The first change was dramatic and strong, it was an upheaval in my soul, it did something wonderful for me. I'm not going to move again, even if I don't know what I'll find. The Baal Shem Tov - it's with him; I'm going to the end of my life. And I said, Creator of the world, please, if this is the tzaddik who is connected to the matter of the Baal Shem Tov, I'm connected. Show me that he is connected.
6:01 I don't know if he is connected at all, because I understood that he is a genius and he is going to speak about the whole Torah. Where will I see it here? I went. The truth is, I didn't dream that he was so connected. When I arrived at the shiur, to recall - this shiur was, I came to the Rav a year and four months ago. It was in the month of Tammuz 5779. The Rav began the shiur; I saw a young figure, truly.
6:27 The truth is, what took hold of me at first glance - what took hold of me - was the humility on the Rav's face. There was some kind of humility and lowliness, not only before the Holy One, blessed be He - which is certain, certain - but before every Jew who stood there - some 300 people stood there, I don't know, some 200 people, a relatively large shiur. Whoever knows the shul in Rishon, when it is full, it can reach 300 people. And he was in...
6:52 I don't know, it could be these are my thoughts - today, when I know the Rav, it is known that this is true, but then, this is the thought that took hold of me first thing. I saw a Jew who came in with humility. It took hold of me. The Rav came in, was about to begin the shiur. I'm sitting like this, waiting for what would come out of the Rav's mouth, and the Rav doesn't begin the shiur. There were some five minutes of silence; the Rav, like, every so often saying hello to this one, hello to that one, nothing.
7:18 After another minute or two, I'm like saying, nu, where's the shiur? Master of the world, start the shiur. There was a book there by someone, just like that, a booklet that stood on the Rav's table. So he took it and looked. Who put out the book? It's the student - it's that person - yasher koach, yasher koach. The Rav looked - it is the letter of the Baal Shem Tov; the holy Baal Shem Tov sent a letter to his brother-in-law, Rabbi Gershon of Kitov - the ascent of the soul that he made in 5507.
7:43 That person put out a booklet explaining this letter, a very important letter of the Baal Shem Tov. And the Rav gave a shiur for half an hour only on this letter. I was truly amazed, because I felt - the shiur hadn't started yet, nothing had started yet. They had told me only about his genius, and he gives a half-hour shiur on a letter. First of all, I saw in this a sign from Heaven about this matter of the path.
8:07 But there was something else here, tremendous and awesome. After all, they had talked to me about genius. He starts telling me a story of the Baal Shem Tov. Telling a story? That took hold of me very much. Because in fact, this, from the tzaddik, I didn't expect. That is to say, I don't... Afterward he gave a shiur, a wonder of wonders. It would not be believed if it were told, but afterward, when I heard the shiur, I took it from the place that this is G-dly light, this is not genius, this is G-dly light.
8:31 Because he spoke at the beginning, and he could give a shiur - half an hour - just to give credit to someone. Plus, to take from the letter [unclear] - to know that this is Torah, it's not some story where you say, yalla, let's move on. There is learning here, there is a whole Torah here to give over. I was very impressed. In any case, at any rate, this shiur with the Rav took hold of me very much. I said, I can't say, this is my Rav and that's it, yes? But I said, wow, I have to come here to connect. I want to start coming to the shiurim and to connect.
8:56 From then on, every week I would travel to the Rav; there was a shiur every Monday, if I'm not mistaken. Every Monday there was a shiur in Rishon. For a long time now we haven't merited it, because of all the [unclear], but there was a regular shiur, regular shiurim with the Rav. Truly, it was a wonder of wonders of shiurim. I want to tell something more, an interesting anecdote that I had with the Rav, although the main thing is not the wonders but the ways of the tzaddikim - but this too connects us to the figures and to the tzaddikim, in fact, through their powers.
9:25 The power that the Holy One, blessed be He, gave the tzaddik in fact connects us to the Holy One, blessed be He, through the deeds. And it is known that tzaddikim can overturn the orders of the world and the orders of nature; the whole world is spread out into their hands. Now I want to relate something that I experienced myself, something even personal. For several years, before I came to the Rav, I suffered from intestinal problems.
9:50 Problems that caused me a lot of suffering. A lot, a lot of suffering, truly, sometimes indescribable suffering. Sometimes it was so much suffering that I could be in bed for whole days, almost without being able to move, with excruciating pains. A few years ago, some five years, six years ago, I had a very strong flare-up of these pains, and... I actually went to the hospital.
10:15 I went to the hospital; a professor came there who treated me, and somehow, baruch Hashem, it helped a little. I had - part of the family brought me all kinds of certain things that can help the intestines, and somehow it passed. It didn't pass, but it was after a period that... even after the doctor treated it, it took a few months, and then somehow, slowly, slowly, it went down, and I knew how to survive these problems; I knew how to make it not hurt me too much, and so on and so on.
10:41 A year and a half ago, less than a year and a half, really some - two months, maybe, before I came to the Rav, there was really another flare-up. And this flare-up was as strong as that earlier flare-up, when I had to be hospitalized. And these were such great pains that my students - they surely remember it, my students in the Talmud Torah - I was in so much pain that sometimes I couldn't get up from the chair.
11:12 And it was very hard for me to sit down and to stand up. There were many movements that were hard for me, but mainly it was hard when I was hot; when I would sit down and stand up, these were pains that are hard to describe. The students would actually lift me - there were students who would lift me by the hand here, by the hand here, just to lift me, to leave the lesson. I finished a lesson, wanted to go out for the break - I couldn't. Most breaks I would sit in the classroom, because I didn't want to get up. Now, it wasn't all the time in such a strong attack, but there was always a monotonous pain, all the time, and every so often, suddenly, such a flare-up, such a feeling, a feeling really like knives stabbing,
11:44 really terrible pains. I went to quite a few doctors, all of them - one gave me this, one gave me that - no, nothing came of it. I went to some specialist in Pisgat Zeev; they told me he is a serious specialist. I went to him, he examined me, he said to me, look, I told him the whole story; he said to me, listen, this is a complicated story. The truth is I don't have much to give you, but I will give you, as a start, a few very strong things. If within two weeks it helps and it passes, well and good. If not, I'm telling you as a specialist: surgery.
12:17 Okay, I listened to his advice, I had no choice, he gave me these things, some ointments, all kinds of certain things, and I set out on the way. At exactly that time I came to know the Rav. In this period of the pains - in this period I came to know the Rav. The two weeks were up on Tuesday. On Monday there was a shiur with the Rav.
12:44 And of course the ointments didn't help at all; I didn't feel even a gram of improvement. When it hurt me, then, at that time, the things he gave me helped me for half an hour. But afterward, the same thing, as if there had been nothing - excruciating pains. And then we came - I came to the Rav's shiur. It was crowded, and the shiur was truly even fuller than usual - really full, people were standing - in Rishon LeZion.
13:11 I tried to write down the shiur, but in the middle the terrible pains came over me, and from so much pain I couldn't, also because of the heat there, because it was a bit hot, so I was - it was really very, very hard for me. I had to stand - there are these upholstered chairs there, which also make more heat - it was hard for me. I stood up and began to hear the shiur standing, and writing. At some point I couldn't do that either; such pains came over me that I had to go outside.
13:35 I went outside in the middle of the shiur; of course I lost the thread of the shiur. I went to some place that calms a little, with some air, a bit, and so on. And I came back to the shiur after about 20 minutes, really with awful, terrible pains. Until the end of the shiur I had no peace of mind; I tried to listen, here or there - whoever knows the Rav's shiur, it is like a connecting thread; though he moves from topic to topic, in the very end, after all the scattering of things, everything connects like one big thread.
14:02 It was also hard for me that I lost this thread so much. I wanted to fill it in for myself, but it was hard for me. When the shiur ended, there is the line where people ask the Rav for blessings, consultations. So at that time it was really possible to speak openly. There was there - the Rav would sit there until four in the morning. Sometimes even more. He would [unclear] let a single Jew be left outside.
14:27 Whoever hadn't met the Rav, who had something to say, would come up. I waited like this, a little, a little - there's pressure at the beginning, the Rav honors the elders and the Torah scholars. I waited a bit for later. When later came, I asked the Rav for a blessing. I said to him, like this, the Rav shook my hand, blessed - I asked for a blessing on this and that. And then I said to him, honored Rav, I ask the Rav for a blessing - tomorrow I have... tomorrow I'm going through... - so I told him briefly: I have pains in my intestines, tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor to decide on surgery, because nothing helped.
14:58 Please, Rav, I ask the Rav - it really hurts me - that the Rav bless me. The Rav blessed me. I saw that the blessing was an ordinary one. And I - it hurt me so much that I said, no, I'm not leaving here without something. And... and while I'm talking with the Rav, I simply had pains. Understand, it was hard for me to stand while I was talking with the Rav. I said to the Rav, Rav, I'm talking with the Rav - it hurts me now. [unclear]. I said, Rav, it hurts me now. And while I'm talking with the Rav, I said, it's like knives. I'm talking with the Rav in pain.
15:24 It really hurts me, Rav, it really, really hurts. Can you bless me for now, not for the future? I want now - now a blessing that... The Rav took my hands, blessing me - whoever knows the Rav - like this, he has eyes - he looks at you like this, with all the intensity of the eyes. Looking at them, he said to me, It must not be that a son of Israel is in pain. A son of Israel does not need to have pains, Heaven forbid. He said to me, in the merit of the holy Torah, I bless you. He said it - he closed his eyes and blessed with all his devotion.
15:49 that now, now - I said, Rav, I'm asking for now. He says to me, now, now, now there will be no pains, no surgery, no need for anything, no doctors, nothing; everything will pass as if it never was. Okay - a blessing. I saw that this blessing truly came from the Rav's heart. Thank you very much - I went out. Fine. It was already around three at night, two-thirty at night. I go outside; I'm amazed. Okay? A blessing - wow.
16:16 The shiur and the Rav - very - I had already begun to connect to the figure; I had already been for a few weeks; I very, very much loved the Rav in my heart. And I'm walking, it took me about five minutes - all the people and the shiur - [unclear] - but I don't know, five minutes, three minutes, I don't know how long, I don't feel the pain. Now, this was a pain that accompanied me; true, I have a monotonous pain, which sometimes I don't feel because it is monotonous, but I've already been here a whole hour, some hour - I've been here five hours, and only with pains, I don't feel anything.
16:49 At first I didn't attach importance to it; a few more minutes pass, and I feel that it doesn't hurt me. [unclear] certain movements that were painful for me, and I don't - I try to do like this a little, and I don't feel any pain. The shuttle arrived - the shuttle had already come before; they held it up because guys still wanted to ask the Rav for a blessing - the shuttle back to Neve Yaakov. On the shuttle - there it was most critical; sitting and standing was the most critical thing in the world for me, because it really hurt; I had to find the exact position so that it wouldn't hurt, and until the very end of the ride I would try to stay in that position.
17:18 When I sat down, I sat down in my usual way - I'm looking for the pain, move a little, change, and then again something hurts; I search until I'm sitting the way that hurts least. I make these movements, and I don't feel anything, and I don't feel where to move. And I think that I'm imagining - after all, it hurts; what do you mean, it doesn't hurt? I've been like this for several months already. And then somehow I manage to sit down in a way that I don't feel any pain, and I try to think to myself, not yet. The brain doesn't take in that that's it, the pain is over, yes? So somehow I am still looking for the pain. I sort of take a certain position, on purpose, one that always makes it hurt me, and I try to do it. [unclear].
17:52 Of course it hurts - after all, clearly there are pains, so I need to feel them. I try to feel them by force, and they weren't there. I try here, there - it doesn't hurt me. I'm sort of in shock; I'm afraid to tell it to those around me, because they'll think that I'm... what do I tell them, that tomorrow I have an appointment for surgery, and it's over, and at that moment, at that second? I began to say to myself, wow, look what the blessing of a tzaddik is, and I was very moved by it; I really had a lump in my throat as I thought about it. And I myself, who tried - I said, I must feel it again, and then I said, what about emunas tzaddikim? Why are you trying to feel? What are you trying - as if to show that maybe it can't be?
18:25 What - after all, how do you say it - you always searched for a tzaddik, we always grew up on this, that tzaddikim bless and the power of the world is given. I believe. And I rode all the way home. I got home; my wife was already sleeping, three at night, three-thirty at night. I came into the house, I told her, like, that I came in - she was sort of awake in bed - and then I sort of say to her, good night, she saw me happy: how was the shiur? It was wonderful, amazing, how I love this Rav - wonderful.
18:52 I hadn't yet managed to tell her about the pains - that it passed, didn't pass - not yet; a few seconds - I simply sat down on my bed. Now I'm sitting down on the bed - understand, I always sit down in a certain way, it takes me time to sit, as you said. And I'm like this, already - it had already gone into my head that it passed for me, [unclear], so I simply sit down, normally, sit down on the chair, and my wife is looking: Yankie, what happened?
19:17 How are you sitting like that? Doesn't it hurt you? And then I say, don't ask - I have no more pains in the intestines. She says to me, what do you mean, [unclear]? [unclear] - what do you mean, [unclear] in the intestines? Nothing, no. And then I said to her, listen, I asked the Rav for a blessing - I told it like this, with excitement. She says to me, how can it be? But no, you don't - you never sit. She was in shock. I'm sort of, with great excitement - I said to her, come and see - I got up from the chair and started to dance.
19:43 Like, not really dance - jump like this and show: look, it doesn't hurt. Really, you don't feel pains now, you don't feel anything. I don't feel even a trace of anything. Of course, the next day I didn't go to the doctor; the truth is I didn't even call the doctor - not to cancel the appointment, and not [unclear]. And to this day - we are a year and a half later - I didn't even go to tell the doctor anything. And no surgery, no pills, nothing - it passed as if it never was, at that very moment. Hashem knows that I [unclear], this sounds like those stories of the Baal Shem Tov, but yes, these are the stories - stories of the Baal Shem Tov.
20:14 And this tzaddik - it is not because of this wonder that I connected to him, but because of the level - I don't [unclear] levels, but that these are the tzaddikim I imagined as a child. These are the tzaddikim I imagined after I came to know the Baal Shem Tov. These are those tzaddikim who cry out to Hashem, blessed be He, and connect everything - both Torah and genius, they connect it to the Creator of the world. Everything is [unclear] - the awareness that it is the Holy One, blessed be He, all the time, not to forget: I have set Hashem before me always. That was the tzaddik. Fortunate are we that we merited, and that was my personal connection.
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